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When the dam breaks

If there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s that eventually, the dam always breaks. You can try to run from it, you can try to build it up, make it stronger, but no matter what…the pressure keeps building, and soon enough, it will break.

That’s what depression and anxiety is like, for me anyway. I try to hold it back, hide it, suppress it…and just hope that no one notices. That it will go away. But it never does. Ignoring the problems never solves anything, and it never helps.

I spent the majority of yesterday paying the price that comes when the dam finally does break. I spent, literally hours, crying and folding laundry. It was definitely my most glamorous mom moment of the week.

It felt like I would never be okay again. Like I was just so stuck in this life of mine that I’m not happy with, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ll never really progress. I’ll never succeed, I’ll never have happiness.

It’s the kind of panic that takes your breath away and makes it impossible to breathe or calm down or, function in any kind of acceptable way. So, I just folded laundry. At least I could be somewhat productive and normal looking if my kids would have noticed. They were very busy building their train tracks, however, and blissfully unaware of the world around them. As they should be. Let them be little.

You know when you’re trying to hold yourself together, and you can feel it coming, you really can, you know it’s right there. But it’s not a good time, it never is. There’s never a good time for the emotions you’ve worked so hard to suppress to come spilling out of you. But it does anyway, and you just can’t stop it.

Yesterday, I couldn’t stop it.

The dam broke. I didn’t feel any better afterwards, I just felt fucking tired. I don’t often have days like that. Actually, they’re extremely rare. Which perhaps means it was much overdue.

I feel weaker today, numb almost, and just as tired. I haven’t been eating, simply because when I feel these emotions so intensely, I lose any appetite I might have had. Today marks 14 weeks pregnant, and I know I need to take better care of myself, which means eating even if I’m too emotionally drained for it.

My husband, being the amazing person that he is, recognized my struggle yesterday and today and stepped up in the ways that he could to support me. I always appreciate when he notices and he acts. It makes me feel seen and supported, both of which I desperately need.

Today I’ll spend the day rebuilding my dam, trying to strengthen it, and hope I find the strength to function within my pain. Maybe that’s just what we call a self care day, or a mental health day, I don’t fucking know.

My dam broke, I feel like I’m drowning, and it feels like there’s nothing in place to prevent this from happening again.

It’s one of those days where i just want to lay on the floor and hide from the world. Just hide until I’m strong enough to face it, until I can find the strength within myself to be okay again.

Or maybe it’s just okay to be weak sometimes. I really don’t know.

Either way, today I’m just going to focus on the next minute. One minute at a time.

Today, that’s all I can give. And that’s okay.

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