I’m struggling tonight, as I knew I would. With nightfall comes the dark thoughts, and with that comes the intense desire to drink.
I’ve been distracting myself from it for hours now. Writing, watching shows, reading…but the more I fight it, the louder the voices get.
But that’s not who I want to be. How can I ever claim to be strong when I break so very easily? How will I ever get past this, heal or grow, if these demons keep pulling me back in?
This is when I need people. When I need to reach out, when I desperately need to not be alone. But these are the moments when the voices in my head tell me to isolate. Withdraw. Keep it to myself, no one wants to hear from me. I’m a burden, a disaster.
Tonight is hard, and the self hatred is loud. I’m thinking every thought, about every painful thing that I’ve worked so hard to drown out of my head.
A drink would take it all away. I know it would.
But it wouldn’t. It has never made things better. Instead, its nearly dug my grave.
Hours left to go on this silent night of chaos.
Tonight is about survival. All I need to do is survive. Don’t give in to the darkness. Don’t give in to the thoughts that want you to die.
It’s not worth it, it’s not worth it.
I can do this. …
Shit. what if I can’t do this.