This is a post for accountability.
Things have been hard.
Obviously.
But I’ve been sober.
Mostly.
I’ve done a job worthy of being insanely proud of.
After 15 years of more or less active (alcohol) addiction, I dug myself out, alone, and got myself sober.
It was grueling and excruciating. It hurt. Physically, emotionally, and every other way.
Mid March was when I decided enough was enough. And I’ve been going great since. I got through the withdrawals. And the cravings. All the bullshit that went along with it. I stood my ground and stayed strong as hell.
And it’s honestly something I’m proud of.
I didn’t have a plan going into it. I just…did it.
But I didn’t commit to total sobriety. I didn’t cut myself off forever, as in, I can never ever drink again.
I knew that mentality would hurt me. I’d tell myself “oh yeah? Watch this!” and go ahead and do what I forbid myself from doing.
This has always worked for me. I don’t let anything get too far, but I can’t make it forbidden fruit either.
I’ve had…a few drinks since then. Less than 5 or 6. In the MONTHS that I’ve been at this.
And when you compare that to the 5 or 6 PER NIGHT I was averaging prior to this? I call that complete victory.
But I haven’t had a drink two nights in a row. I haven’t even wanted to.
But that changed tonight.
I had a few drinks last night. Long story short, it was a good night, I crocheted my kids a costume piece in an emergency for a school project, and it was a last minute thing that took hours and hours. The drink was well deserved and earned. No regrets at all. And the costume piece was pretty epic too.
But…I had therapy tonight. And I came home with a shit ton oh and physical anxiety afterwards.
Not emotional anxiety, which, if you don’t know, is substantially different than physical anxiety. It just…feels different. It’s a whole other beast.
And I needed to calm it.
So I drank.
And it felt good.
Really good.
Too good.
So that’s means I’ve had alcohol two nights in a row.
And I liked it.
Which is bad. Very, very bad.
I’m worried my mentality is changing.
I’m worried the addiction side is taking control.
It’s not all lost, and I’m not giving up or giving in.
Therapy has been hard. It’s been intense, and getting to deeper and deeper places. Which is good…but also hard. And probably a little triggering.
I’m not making excuses, because excuses don’t have a role here.
I’m writing this for accountability.
I want to do better. And stay better.
Yeah, I stumbled this week. And I drank two nights in a row.
But that doesn’t mean all is lost.
And my mentality is still stronger than my occasional urges. I am stronger than my thoughts.
The darkness doesn’t win. Not now.
I am in control. Even when it doesn’t always feel like it.
I make the choices. I have a say.
And I will not go backwards.