Everything hurts, and I’m struggling to hang on. I’ll try not to think about it, not to feel any of it.
Distract myself out of any and all possible pain.
It’s times like now I wish I could rely on what I’m so used to relying on – alcohol. The only thing I want, the only thing that ever mattered in times like these.
I’m better off without it, I know I am. I know it’s nothing but an ugly crutch, but still…it’s a crutch I feel like I can’t live without.
Distract myself from the pain, distract myself from wanting to drink.
Avoidance, distraction….I’m not sure that’s the healthy plan here either. Shit, I just want to give in to it all. I don’t want to live in this pain. I want the pain to stop.
Distract yourself from it. Feel something else. Anything else.
It’s awfully hard to not be so consumed by this constantly present pain.
How can things be so bad, only to lose the support I thought I had? I don’t fucking care anymore. The walls are up, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get them down again.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live, not when I clearly don’t deserve to.
I’m sorry I’m a fuck up.
I really, really just want to drink. I question what the point of strength is, when it seems like weakness is all I have, all I am.
Right now, I just want to run. I want to run and never look back, avoiding and escaping.
I know it will make it worse. Running from pain never works.
But I’d rather create the pain myself than live and suffer with things out of my control.
I’d rather hurt myself than be hurt by anyone else.