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To my motherless son, I’m sorry

Mother’s Day is a hard day for me. I’d go so far as to say that sometimes, I really hate it.

I parent 2 boys, and I’m pregnant with my third boy that I will parent.

But none of those 3 boys made me a mom. None of those boys were the one that forever changed me in the way that another little boy did.

I don’t have 3 boys, I have 4. My birth son is 8 years old. He made me a mom, he gave me the title of being a mom to someone. Sort of.

See, a detail that I often leave out, is that even though I placed him for adoption at birth, I remain his only mom.

He is being lovingly raised with his 2 parents and his brother, but not by me, not by his mom.

That is something that hurts every single day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, that I don’t miss him and love him so incredibly much.

Some days are harder than others, some days hurt worse. Birthdays, holidays…Mother’s Day. I wonder what he does. I wonder if he thinks of me.

There’s a huge part of me that feels guilty today. That worries if my son feels left out, or abandoned, or like it was a day that’s just meant to hurt him.

I’m his only mom, and he is the only boy who I get to say made me a mom. Today, I think of him. And I really hope he knows that.

I hope he doesn’t feel sad, or forgotten, or unloved.

I won’t lie, there’s a huge part of me that hoped that this year, just maybe, I’d get something from him in the mail. Maybe a card, maybe something he made…it’s never happened, and I certainly didn’t expect it, but I had hoped.

I love my son more than anything in this world. All of my kids, but I get to tell the others. I get to have a special breakfast with my other 2 boys, and I get to tell them that I love them.

But I don’t get to have those moments with my birth son, with my first baby boy. I’ll never get to share those memories with him.

Mother’s Day hurts. A lot of people acknowledge that. It hurts for mothers who have lost children in death, it hurts for children who have lost mothers, for those who want kids but don’t yet have them…but us birth moms are often overlooked and forgotten when we think of this day, and who it might be difficult for.

If today is hard for you, I see you. I understand. If your own mom isn’t one worth celebrating, I see your pain and I get it. Today is a hard day, for me, and for many others.

But I just have to hope with everything I have, that my son doesn’t feel sad today. I hope he can see a day like today for what it is, that his mom loves him so, so, SO fucking much, and would do absolutely anything for him.

I hope he doesn’t feel forgotten or abandoned or unloved. He is the best part of my life, even if it’s the part of my life that hurts the most.

So, to my son without a mother today, I’m sorry. I love you, and I’m here for you whenever you’re ready, whenever you need me. I promise.

I will always be yours.

(((I miss you always, but today I miss you extra)))

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