Well, I made it through the weekend.
Even though I didn’t want to.
This morning, instead of being in a bad mood about living and all the ways that life is hard and unfair, I decided to take the kids out to breakfast instead.
It made my husband happy, it made the kids happy, and it was nice.
I don’t go out when I don’t have to…so it shocked my husband when I even suggested it this morning.
I have a bad habit of looking too far ahead. I’ll ask a million “what if” questions, and get stuck in the anxiety of the details. But today, I just decided that I couldn’t do that, and I needed to break it down. I focused on today, on right now only.
And I know I need to do that more often. I can’t keep looking so far into the future, because that always does so much more harm than good. I need to break it down smaller.
Especially when it comes to drinking.
Tomorrow morning, once again, I have a doctor appointment with my high risk OB. I’m hoping it goes well, but I’m expecting to hear some interesting things.
I can feel myself starting to isolate again and push people away again. It feels strong, and it feels consuming and bad. I hate when I can feel it happening, because it’s usually the start of really, really bad things for me.
I don’t want to reach out, I don’t want to be with people…I just shut down. But really, it’s not that I don’t want those things. It’s that I desperately need them the most…so much that it hurts…but I pull myself back and withdraw instead of allowing myself to have the thing that I need the most.
I don’t know, it’s fucked up. And it isn’t fun. I know when it’s happening, and I’ve never been too good at stopping it.
But today, I did it. We went out to breakfast, and then played outside with the ducklings.
Tomorrow will be tomorrow, but at least I made it through today.
