I’ll be honest, as far as weekends go, this one was a pretty horrible one.
Saturday during the day was actually okay. My husband took the 2 older boys out for a little bit during the day, and when he came home, he brought me a special dinner and gelato for me and the kids. It was actually really nice. So we had crawfish and sushi for dinner, and it was a nice, unexpected treat. And it made me feel loved and thought about. He went out of his way to make everyone happy that day, and he did. It worked.
But then my oldest son was being ridiculous at bedtime. It seriously took like an hour. He gets anxiety about things, and of things aren’t EXACTLY PERFECTLY RIGHT, he’s going to keep coming out of his room, keep asking for more, keep going and going and going. So that happened. I’m used to it, but it’s the first time it’s happened on a weekend when my husband was home to see it.
So, that led to me getting into a bad mood with my son, my OWN anxiety rising (and when my anxiety is high, I do lash out in “anger”), and things just fell apart from there. I can deal with my son. I can regulate my emotions just fine when it comes to him. Yeah, I can get frustrated in the moment, but it doesn’t have a lingering affect.
But when my husband starts being angry with ME, or starts blaming me for something…then I fall apart. And that’s when the anxiety causes me to lash out. And yeah. So we had a rough night on Saturday, and it felt familiar and it felt like our past, and I hated it.
Then, on Sunday, he had a migraine (again) and spent pretty much the whole day laying down or sleeping. So I dealt with all 3 kids by myself, alone, while trying to keep everyone somewhat quiet so he could sleep.
So that sucked.
This morning also got off on the wrong foot. We’re still adjusting to a new routine with this being my sons second week of school, so that played a role, I’m sure. The baby has not been sleeping well the past 2 days. Naps or overnight. He’s 4 and a half months, but I’d definitely consider this to be his 4 month sleep regression.
My husband kind of treated me like shit this morning. And I hate it. Last night was fine, but then this morning he iced me out and was unkind. Didn’t want to have our special coffee time in the morning, and was just…I don’t know. I’m telling you, I don’t like the signs I’m seeing.
It feels extremely similar to how things started a few years ago when they were awful between us. He didn’t want to spend time with me, me barely spoke to me, and when he did, he used his “I’m dead inside” voice, and then he left for work without saying goodbye to me.
……
Okay.
So my anxiety was pretty bad this morning. I chose to drink a little bit instead of letting the anxiety get out of control and lashing out.
I’ll say it one more time for the people in the back.
When my relationships are not on stable ground, I am not okay. I live and die by the strength of my relationships.
And right now, my most important relationship feels like it’s falling apart.
I’ve been worried about his mental health for a few weeks now. And now I think I’m right. I don’t like where we’re headed. I don’t like the signs I’m seeing.
My drinking was at its worst when our marriage was at its worst. And I’ve always questioned which came first.
Did I drink as a result of my relationship being unstable?
Or was our relationship unstable because I was drinking so much?
This morning, the answer was clear as day. I drink significantly more as a result of self medicating from feeling out of control in my relationship. It sucks and it hurts.
But I need to deeply numb this thing that hurts so very badly.
I hope I’m wrong. I hope it’s just a bad week.
But if it’s not, if we’re headed to that dark and horrible place (that seems to coincide with his own mental health going down)…
Things might get a whole lot worse. And it scares me.