This week has been challenging in more ways than one. And quite frankly, I’m ready for everything to go back to “normal”.
Anytime my oldest son is home from school…..it basically turns the entire time into a nightmare. An expected nightmare, but a nightmare nonetheless. Just the constant fighting and yelling and taking and all the blah blah blah you’d expect between brothers but it drives me insaneeee. Mostly because my 5 year old acts particularly unlike himself whenever his older brother is home from school.
So, yeah. I’m ready for this school break to be OVER.
My parents…specifically my mom…have also been…erm….rather impossible to be around and intentionally hurtful. Pretty much starting on Christmas Eve, they’ve both been pretty awful to me. And it’s…hard for me to understand. Or deal with.
Wednesday was a particularly bad day, when it just seemed like literally nothing I did or could do would ever make anything better. So I sent my therapist a message and basically asked her what the fuck am I supposed to dooooooo.
For context purposes, this was the exact message I sent:
HOW do I deal with a person (my mom) that is incapable of acknowledging or realizing that they’ve actually done something wrong? She has been horribleeeeeeee to me this past week, my brother and Derek agree, so it isn’t just me thinking it…and she just can’t even begin to go anywhere near the fact that she’s being awful to me for no reason. She can’t see any fault in her actions, and EVERYTHING is my fault, according to her.
The problem is, I hate myself very much, and am more than willing to accept the blame, which sucks. And then I feel hurt.
And lash out the next time she says something hurtful. Which she then uses as ammunition against me to say “see, you ARE the problem. I feel stuck. I can do nothing right. And I don’t know what to do.
So she gave me some things to work on and think about, and I tried to do that.
She sent me a message again later that night, and asked if I was successful. I told her kind of but not really, and that I’m really just fighting the urge to shut down. She told me not to do that.
And then asked me to list out my top 5 values in my life right now. Because apparently we’re going back to working on values and shit like that. I guess my parents being horrible to me isn’t supposed to shatter my self worth and make me feel as much self hatred as it does. Or something.
So, that’s fine…except that I don’t know what I value.
The only one I could come up with is relationships…I value having strong and stable and healthy relationships.
I honestly don’t know what else I value.
So, please tell me. What do I value? What do you value? I still need 4 more. And l need a starting place for thinking.
I have sooo much going on in my life right now, and so many fires to put out. It’s really hard to do work like that when…well, I don’t know. It’s just hard. I really don’t see value in myself at all. Or see myself as worthy of anything, or of having and redeemable traits or qualities. So…therefore…I don’t know what I value. Or care about. Because I’m basically just a shit person. So why bother.
I have a lot I need to think about and work out, and a lot of trauma work to do. Specifically about my oldest (parented) son, and talking with him about his first year of life. Yeah, that came up in his therapy this week. To say my face dropped and I reacted out loud when she suggested that is an understatement. So their therapist recommended I do my own trauma work about that. Which…..yeah.
His first year of life was horrible and traumatic and just not something I was to think about or relive.
So…yeah. That’s my week. Or at least, my past few days. I still have a lot in my head that I’m processing, and it’s really sucked not having therapy these past few weeks. I still won’t have it on Monday, but I am scheduled for Wednesday or Thursday morning next week…so that’s a least something.
Today Phoenix has his appointment with his therapist, so that’s always good too. I don’t know how to explain it so that it makes sense, but even though she isn’t *my* therapist, I still sit in her office for 2-3 hours a week. And she is a part of my support system.
Little wins. Finding the little wins…wherever they are.
Next up? News years posts and thoughts. So be prepared for that. I might have a lot to say.