Writing straight from my head and straight from my heart. That’s what’s important. That’s what I need to do.
I’m feeling really off. And weird. I think what it boils down to, is just…tired. I am tried. Of life. Of living.
I’m tired of hurting.
There are so many things that I want to be different. That I want to be more…normal.
Relatable.
I want to be relatable.
Tonight, I’ll keep all the weirdness and unique details of my fucked up life out of it.
I’m just a broken, hurting, and scared individual. Sometimes, the traumas get to me.
The abuse. The memories. Sometimes….the past doesn’t quite feel like the past. And it’s like reliving it over, and over, and over again.
I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle of abuse and trauma and pain.
There are good parts to my life. There are moments of laughter, and love, and ease. They’re few and far between…but they’ve made my life survivable up until this point.
Just a few minutes ago, my husband reminded me how he felt about me.
“I love you”
“Than why am I sad?”
I won’t lie, I got pretty unintentionally triggered by something that happened tonight.
My husband and I went out to dinner, a rarity in and of itself. We’ve been there before, and it’s a favorite of ours. All you can eat sushi and sashimi and all things Japanese food. Yes please.
But…the background music. My ears did not hear it. But my brain did.
I just felt so, so sad. And I didn’t know why. Until I did.
These next few months will be absolutely unbearable. For so, so many reasons.
I want my life to be different in so many ways. I want to be healthy. Or happy. Or…happier.
Grief sucks. Missing the person that you’re quite literally designed to love unconditionally….and not being able to?
Ouch.
Fucking ouch.
“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing makes us feel alive”……
So I’ll just keep drinking it away. Drowning it out.
Relatable or not….pain is pain grief is grief.
Loneliness is loneliness.
And someone who needs a hug is someone who needs a fucking hug.