It really is interesting what’s happening inside of my brain right now.
I don’t know why. Or…if it’s long lasting…or if it’s even real vs just being scared shitless about life as a whole….but here we are.
On a weird journey that somehow has my striving to actually do better, be better, and feel better.
But like, really this time.
I’m listening. To the people in my corner and who actually know what’s up and know where to lead me….I’m listening.
I always do, but this time I’m listening with less hesitation. Or maybe it’s just less fear.
There is so much less to fear when you feel you have little left to lose.
I want to be direct. I want to talk and open up in ways that are bold and not as vague…but I can’t. I don’t know why.
It’s like…I almost feel like if I say my intentions and my thoughts and even some of my actions out loud, I’ll scare it all away and just stay in the same miserable place I’m so desperate to claw myself out of.
I’m at war with myself. That much is clear. My brain is on fire with opposing wants and needs and thoughts and ideas about which way is best.
There is a better path. But….it’s like….to get to the better path, you first must complete all of these trials that all they’ve been invented for is to actually kill you.
But if you make it?
There it is.
Peace. Happiness. Betterness.
Do I think I can actually get there? Absolutely fucking not.
But do I want to?
Yeah, I really do.
Let’s journey. I’m sure at the very least, none of us will be bored.