Last night was certainly atypical for being an otherwise very normal night.
I think…just, maybe….I might be serious about this whole, ya know, trying not to drink or whatever thing.
For the first time in like, probably ever, it almost felt possible. Like, maybe I actually can at least try.
So, here’s what happened. I drank my first drink (and just know that when I’m talking about 1 drink, it is NOT the typical amount. It’s significantly stronger) as usual. Drank that as normal, and then I made my next drink. I drank maybe 1/4 of it…and then I just…didn’t. I stopped.
There was a part of me that didn’t want to. So from like…9:30 to 11:45pm, that nearly full drink just sat there. Torturing and mocking me. Yet I stayed stronger than it for 2 hours.
I’m not going to play games with myself where I feel deprived. I know that would be setting myself up for failure. So I wasn’t just telling myself no. I wasn’t dumping it out or getting rid of it because I knew I’d very likely end up drinking it. Which was fine. The goal for this week wasn’t to eliminate that drink. It was to eliminate the ones after it.
If you don’t know the depths to which my addiction has its claws in me, just know that that right there. That waiting with a drink next to me for 2 hours, not even touching it once…it hasn’t been done before. And it was hard as shit.
I didn’t go into the night challenging myself to try to do it. If I had, it would’ve backfired and I’d have had twice as much to drink instead. Again, trust me that I know myself very well, and I know myself well enough that if even *I* tell myself no, it’ll just end up making things worse.
I’m cautiously excited about where things are going right now. Make no mistake, life is as hard as it’s ever been. And I’m hanging in by a thread.
But…taking action feels good.
I spent ALL day yesterday working on a project that shouldn’t have taken nearly as long as it did, but it’s starting to come together, and it might possibly lead to good things.
I have a lot of thoughts, and I have a lot of ideas for where I might go. Creatively, personally…I feel like maybe, MAYBE…we’re headed in a positive direction.
And I’m excited to start sharing a new kind of journey here with all of you. (Or, I guess really just myself if I’m the only one here reading this at the end of the day…🙃)