The world is loud right now.
It’s screaming and chaos and thunder.
Nothing is easy. Nothing makes sense.
Foreign is the only familiar thing.
And if that sentence makes no damn sense to you, then you’re reading it exactly right.
I don’t know how to make sense of my ever changing, loud, chaotic and fucked up world.
I wake up every day and it feels SO damn familiar. The lather, rise, repeat of the daily structure. It feels predictable and routine.
But WITHIN that ever so predictable familiarity of the structure I’ve created for myself and for my family….there is an absolutely brutal newness stemmed from chaos and anxiety, fears from the constantly changing unknowns, and paralyzing doubts from the uncertainties of what’s to come.
My days look mostly the same on paper. My weekly schedule is relatively unchanged.
Hours upon hours of regularly scheduled therapies. Doctor appointments. School. Work. Home. Chores. And more appointments.
Etcetera etcetera etcetera.
My life is chaos within the predictable. And that part? I can handle. The scheduling, the doctors, the appointments. That part, I was built for.
But the rest?
The loudness and the chaos and the unpredictability of all the other?
No. That’s the part that hurts.
Are we okay? Do you like me? Do you love me? Will you leave me? Have I done enough? Do I need to do more? Should I run from you before you decide to leave me first?
Loud loud loud.
I can’t handle any more loss.
And it’s chaos inside of my brain trying to control all of the outcomes.
Or worse, trying to run from them before they have a chance to hurt me first.
I can’t control the external universe.
And unfortunately for me, that’s the part with the potential to hurt me the most.
I’m so afraid of getting hurt again that I just don’t even know how to exist in a world where pain is a guaranteed outcome.
And so, my head is loud. It is scared. And it fills me with doubts that I have what it takes to keep moving forward.