Well, we’ve arrived at the moment I’ve been dreading for the past 8 days…another one is down with the flu.
Despite my best efforts to keep my 2 year old, and my most medically fragile kid away from his flu positive brother…I was apparently unsuccessful.
He started sounding pretty bad yesterday and the cold he was battling for the past 2 weeks now sounds a ton like the flu. He has a doctor appointment later this morning but with how he sounds, I’m sure it’s not going to be good news for him.
I’m still holding strong, but if Atlas is down, it’s only a matter of time. As much as I can try to keep the big kids out of my face (hah, and even that is a joke), keeping Atlas away from my face is simply not going to happen.
I did have to cancel therapy tonight, which really sucks. Especially because next week I’ll probably have some sort of flu related bullshit going on, despite feeling completely fine today. But it is what it is. Sometimes money sucks, and there’s nothing I can do.
My head space has been messy lately. Drinking has definitely increased, which is funny because I was really trying to decrease it. But it’s like, every time I try to tell myself I’m going to drink less, I end up drinking more. I guess that’s the definition of addiction. I really am trying though. It just sucks that I get in my own way and can’t get where I so desperately want to go.
I know I’ve been triggered by therapy, and my lack of ability to go this week, and that’s what caused me to drink more the past 2 nights. And honestly, probably tonight too. I feel very fuck it right now with everything going on. And that’s not the mentality I need to be in.
I’m giving it all I have, and it never seems like enough. I’m terrified of the flu taking me out because of my experience with it last year. The pain was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Mix flu aches with a neuromuscular and nerve disorder and holy shit does it huuuuurrrrttttt. I never knew the pain from being sick could take me out like it did, but it scares me.
Hopefully Atlas can stay out of the hospital, but with his neuromuscular respiratory weakness and asthma, the flu isn’t going to be kind to him.
Keep your head up, keep marching forward, and just don’t give up.
It’s all I can do. So it’s what I’m going to do.
