Turn the chaos down and the music up

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we’ll wish this never ends
We’ll wish this never ends
….

Sometimes the only way I know how to know how I’m feeling is through music. Music is my church, it’s my sanctuary, it’s just there. It’s always there. When I can’t make the noise around me settle down, when the world around me is literally burning down in catastrophe and disaster…I can at least attempt to drown it out. Blast the music, force myself to feel nothing – or everything…

Usually when I have a song I can’t stop thinking about, it’s pretty telling to how I feel. I have multiple songs of varying degrees for just about everything. Lately it’s this one… I Miss You by Blink-182.

Music is more than just music to me. Most songs (of importance) have come into my life at a specific time period and have served a purpose. The message matched how I felt. And guys, lyrics are everything. Music isn’t about how it sounds, it’s about how it feels.

Don’t get me wrong…it absolutely still has to sound good as well, but lyrics are equally important.

It may seem obvious…why this certain song is circling my head nonstop. “I miss you”.

This answer seems obvious. It’s about missing someone, and I’m clearly missing and grieving my birth son in a more amplified spotlight. And if you guessed that, you’re definitely not wrong.

But right now, my kids are struggling. My younger son is going through a rather large physical regression…and it sucks. It reminds me of the fragility of his life. Of both of their lives. Their future is far from guaranteed. Actually, it’s quite threatened.

So maybe how I’m feeling is really about them. Or all 3 of them. I don’t know.

Right now things hurt. They hurt for me and they hurt for my kids. It doesn’t seem fair. None of it does.

It feels like giving up would be easier. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to lose anything else.

So pour another (5) drinks…sabotage yourself in every way you know how, isolate yourself and tell yourself that no one cares. All so that you can continue to destroy yourself and be fully convinced that the only person I’m hurting is me.

But if I’m being honest…l almost don’t care anymore. I almost don’t care if I’m hurting you. Why should I? Everyone has hurt me, the world has hurt me…my life is basically just fucked. So why should I care about how anyone else feels about my reaction to it?

Tomorrow is a difficult day. I have therapy for 2 hours first thing in the morning. Then immediately after that, I have to take both my kids up to the PT clinic to be part of the guest lecture on pediatrics.

Because of all the kids, of all the options…my kids are the most “special and unique” (fucked up) of them all. They’re the ones we teach the future generations of therapists to deal with.

I get it. They’re unique. We’re unlike any other family. We’re interesting. They’ve been the example for 3 years now.

That doesn’t mean this shit doesn’t hurt.

I just hope they’re still alive for next years Pediatric clinic too. Otherwise the world would be missing out on a GREAT learning opportunity.

It’s fine. I’m not bitter. I’m honestly happy to help and be used as a positive example and role model. But like I said…this shit hurts.

Have I mentioned that I am also a licensed pediatric therapist?

The irony doesn’t escape me.

Where are you and I’m so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
The webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

2 thoughts on “Turn the chaos down and the music up”

  1. Ashley L. Peterson – Canada – I'm the author of four books: Psych Meds Made Simple, Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis, Managing the Depression Puzzle, and A Brief History of Stigma. These are informed by my professional experience as a former pharmacist and mental health nurse, as well as my lived experience of major depressive disorder. My goal with Mental Health @ Home is to challenge mental illness stigma and provide a safe space for open dialogue to empower others to share their voices.

    I hope the difficult day isn’t quite as difficult as expected.

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