Site icon Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good.

That’s the phrase going around in my head right now. Like a child throwing a tantrum. I don’t want to do what’s right, what’s hard…what’s “good”.

I want to do what feels good. What feels good right now. Not next week, not next month, I want to feel good right now. I want what’s easy, I am not interested in things being hard right now.

I don’t want to.

I’m not interested in anything hurting anymore. If it feels better right now, that’s what I want. I don’t care if it’s “wrong” or the “bad” thing. I need a break, I need to feel better. And I don’t care if that’s wrong.

I guess that’s the addict brain tendencies in me. Wanting to feel good right now, no matter what that costs.

I don’t want to be sober right now. I don’t want things to be harder in therapy, to change. Right now, I am 100% in survival mode. There’s no question about that.

I am trying to survive. And I’m sorry. But right now, that means I need things to be a little easier. Not harder. It means that I need people on my side. Holding my hand and guiding me through the darkness.

That is what I need. I need someone helping me, making things easier. I don’t want anyone to push me in ways that make things harder right now.

Push me, fine. Push me to talk, push me to feel, but I don’t want to be pushed into more loneliness and isolation.

I know I’m a very broken person right now. I know I’m a shell of myself, constantly on the verge of tears and panic. An emotional disaster, intertwined with the hope of living and the hope of dying.

I want to feel better. I want to feel good. And I know that feeling good right now is so often maladaptive and harmful.

But I don’t care.

I just want it all to stop. I don’t care if it hurts later. I’m hurting right now, and that’s the hurting I care about.

That’s the pain I need to be over.

The one that hurts right now.

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