It’s a night. Nothing is wrong except for the fact that everything is wrong.
Lighters are tempting. Sharp objects are tempting. Pills are tempting. And I just want it all. I want to die.
I want out.
I fucking want out.
There are parts of me that don’t care about the joy or the love or the smiles. There are parts of me that only exist to feel the pain, and to threaten my very existence.
I try to live my life in the truth within the honesty…. And I’ll be honest. Sure, drunkenly honest, but honest nonetheless. I’ve been thinking more and more about life. And pain.
And ending the pain.
Or furthering my addiction.
Not that that’s the goal….but let’s be real.
I live with a chronic, painful, life threatening neuromuscular condition.
And I’ve refused pain meds for it since day one.
All of my 28 years…I’ve refused pills.
Because I’m stronger than the pain.
Because I’m better than the pain.
But maybe…just maybe…..I deserve some relief from the pain. And maybe…just maybe…it would be so easy to become addicted to something else.
Right now, I want to die.
Right now???
It would be so easy to give in and give up.
Right now all I want to do is give the fuck up.
I want to hurt myself. I want to give up. All I want is a boat load of pills or sharp objects or fucking whatever else.
I’m struggling.
I’m struggling more than I’d ever admit out load.
I am fucking having a hard time, and I’m not okay.
So maybe tonight = skin meets objects. I’ve been clean for over a year, maybe two. But tonight…maybe just not so much.
I’m struggling. And I am SICK of fucking hiding it.
NO I AM NOT OKAY.
But does that matter?
No, probably not.
Either way, we are where we are.
I’m not okay.
I want to die.
I want to hurt myself.
I’ve entered my downward spiral.
Let’s see if anyone can pull me out.
I really fucking hope that they can.
To be 1000% clear?
I am not okay.
Even though I really wish that I was.