Well, we wasted no time getting into it in therapy last night, but I’d argue to say that it didn’t go poorly.
She said some things that I was ready and able to hear, and whenever that happens and we’re able to have difficult yet honest conversations, it always feels better.
I think we’re finally beginning to be in place where our relationship can begin to heal and get back on track, which only ever does good things for me in every other aspect of my life.
I’ll never be able to say it enough: when things are going well within the relationships in my life (marriage, therapy, friends), everything goes better. But when any of those are shaky, ooooh boy. I, very quickly, turn not okay.
Therapy lately has been very shaky and unstable. It’s left me feeling hurt, insecure, and lost. I’ve been angry and upset with her for hurting me, and I know she’s been frustrated with me for a few things as well.
We’ve been working together for nearly 7 years, and as with any relationship, there are going to be bumps in the road. I’m choosing to see this as one of those, and not something so insurmountable that it cannot be overcome.
We talked about a lot of things, some pertaining to us, and some where to go in general in terms of therapy, and what to prioritize.
In a roundabout way, she sort of reaffirmed that she wasn’t going anywhere, and that even if I do “heal” or “feel better” about any of my traumas or whatever else bullshit, that she knows my life and my current problems are still..significant. And we would still work on that. I said I knew that, but honestly, it felt good that she said that, and that she kind of acknowledged that she isn’t going to leave me. (Unless of course I keep pissing her off …🙃)
I only had to choke down my emotions a few times last night, as opposed to the 10 or so times I’ve had to in recent previous sessions. I guess that’s a win…sort of.
It’s probably not exactly a secret that I’ve been more or less actively suicidal for the past little bit. And that had a lot to do with the shakiness and unsteadiness around me, the fear that things were falling apart and would never be okay again, and just life being…impossible to navigate in general. I think today is the first day in weeks that I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can breathe.
Things aren’t perfect, and there’s still a lot of hurt that I need to work through. Both in regards to therapy and just in life itself. But last night went better than it has in a while, and, for my own sanity, I need to believe it’s the beginning of a more permanent better.
The focus is, and probably has needed to be for a long time, attachment. I know it’s fucking me up a considerable amount, and it needs to be addressed.
I need to be stronger, I need to be okay again. There’s still a lot to be done, a lot to work through, and a lot of healing to be had.
We talked about a lot, and I’m glad it we did. Like I said, even if it’s hard, having the necessary conversations always feels better than not having them.
It’s a step in the right direction. Even if it’s a half a step forward after 30 steps back…it’s still something.
I can’t survive without hope. I can’t survive without people, and support, and positive relationships. It just isn’t possible. So I’m hoping that that’s what this is…half a step forward.
Even if that’s all it is…for today, I’ll take it.
I have a lot of work to do for next time, and a lot of that is self reflection on attachment shit and conscious vs unconscious insecurity…bringing to unconscious to the conscious.
I know there’s a lot to be done. But like I said…I’ll take it.
I’m willing to do the work, I always have been.
I just need things to be good with the people that are important.
(Yes, that’s probably an attachment issue too.)