Therapy is getting…difficult. And not in the ways I think it’s supposed to. Ever since moving from twice a week to once a week, I just haven’t felt connected to it. I’ve been having trouble finding the desire or the will or the…I don’t know. I just feel… sort of disconnected from it altogether.
Last week I didn’t want to go. I wanted to cancel, to sleep instead. But I went anyway, because I would’ve absolutely hated myself had I not. I do want to go, so I don’t really know what the problem is.
I think it’s just that I feel so disposable. Or like that she doesn’t really care about me anymore. The issue is that I feel like our relationship is strained, and it’s hard to commit to all of this hard and vulnerable work when I feel that way. I know she does care, maybe, and she’s made it clear that I really shouldn’t ask or question that anymore. But I do.
She just isn’t relating to me and responding to me in the ways that she used to in the past, and I know that’s because of a combination of things. She was frustrated with me, we changed the frequency of our sessions, she feels like she doesn’t know how to help me, even though I’ve told her that how things were between us in the past is the thing that helps me…I don’t know. It’s just really been a lot.
Don’t get me wrong, as far as our relationship goes, things are a ton better now than they were a few weeks ago, and we’ve moved past having to talk about us to talking about more normal therapy topics I guess, but I still feel the strain. And in the moments where she gets quiet and says “I don’t know what to say” when I ask her why she isn’t talking anymore…that’s when I feel it the most.
I just feel like I can’t do anything right. Like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, I’m probably going to mess it up. And it’s really hard to get into a vulnerable enough place for therapy to be effective when I’m feeling like that.
I want things to be like they were. I want to go there and feel safe and secure and cared about and all of the things that I really don’t feel anywhere else. Honestly, I think that’s the thing I missed the most. I know this is normal, and that sometimes people and relationships, any kind of relationship, goes through hard times, but I just want it to feel better right now.
The biggest issue I’m having is that, even thought I can be thinking of 100 relevant topics, once I actually get there, I am so consumed with anxiety and overwhelmed that I can’t think of anything and my head just gets so….well, dissociative, I guess.
I don’t really know what to do to feel better about this, or to start to learn to trust or feel secure again. The truth is, I feel hurt by her. I really do. And while that’s something I wouldn’t ever admit, those feelings are pretty strong.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I need her to be the person I need her to be for me again. That’s what I need, that’s what I miss. I need that safety and security back. And maybe that’s something that needs to come from me, I really don’t know. But every time I walk in there, I feel so vulnerable and anxious and just…I don’t know. I kind of feel emotionally naked and raw. And it just feels like I can’t do anything right, or like I don’t know how to anymore.
Maybe this makes no sense, maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. Shit, half the time I don’t even understand what I’m feeling or needing. The part of me that doesn’t want to go is the avoidant part. It’s the part that is self sabotaging. And I know those are a lot of the problems I need to step up and deal with in the first place, even when it hurts.
Things will be okay again, I really think they will be. I just don’t know how to get there, and it hurts not having those answers. For now, all I can do is keep trying, and keep showing up.
Hopefully tonight goes better than I think it will. At least I know I’ll show up, and I’ll do my best. Maybe that will be enough.