Do I wish I had more support when it came to my clearly non vanishing alcohol addiction? Yes, I do.
Do I wish I could go to AA, or find any other kind of support? Yes, of course I do.
But I can’t. I’m too afraid to. Too anxious, too nervous…too weak.
Yes, I need the support.
Yes, I’m an “addict”. (I fucking hate that word. Always will. And I’ll probably always fight against it as a defining word for myself.)
And yes, I’m struggling. But it seems that all of the struggling in the world does not drive me to access more support…it drives me to want to drink instead.
I know myself well enough to know that I very likely would benefit from a support group of some sort…assuming it was small in size and close in nature.
But it scares me SO much. And I honestly don’t even know what it is about it that scares me so much.
This whole…not drinking thing…it’s been so fucking hard. For the past nearly 26 weeks, I’ve had to be sober. But once this pregnancy is done, once my decisions will impact no one but me again…I’m truly terrified for that.
It is so hard to think of a future where I just..never drink again. I don’t feel strong enough for that. And I just don’t understand how I could ever do that, how I could ever even set myself up for failure like that, even just by saying “I’ll never drink again”. That feels wrong, and it feels untrue.
The ugly truth is that I need support, and I don’t know where to get it from. I feel alone and broken and like I’ll really never be successful at this. At sobriety.
The thought of simply giving up is the most enticing thought I have. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. Feeling like giving up is my only option…
Like…I know that falling back into drinking, into my old habits, will only ever hurt the ones that I love. Even if just indirectly, it will hurt my husband. It will, on some level, at some point, hurt my kids. As much as I try to hide it, be functional, and remain “myself” as much as possible…there will be a point where addiction takes over. And even the sober version of me will be consumed by it. And there’s just no version of the truth I can spit out to where that doesn’t hurt.
So then, at that point, knowing all of that, doesn’t it make more sense for me to simply just…not exist? If the very existence of me on this planet is enough to cause hurt? It seems wrong and selfish at that point then to continue on existing.
So it seems like I’ve put myself in a hole here, given myself an option. Either “stay sober”, which I simply do not feel strong enough to do…or, just leave. Just give up. Rather than to continue hurting.
I just don’t know how to make the pain stop. I don’t know how to keep going in a world that simply hurts so fucking much, with what feels like no support along the way. When it seems like I need people, support, the most…it seems like that’s when I have it the least.
How can I ever be expected to be successfully sober when I feel so fucking hopelessly alone in it? Yes, I’m sober now, but that isn’t a choice. And even then, even now, I feel it’s harder than it should be.
I wish therapy felt like a light instead of an unknown. I wish it felt like we were a team, instead of it feeling like I’m just this big fuck up who can’t do a damn thing right, no matter how hard I try.
I’m sorry that I’m not better at this. I really wish that I were. I know I’m a letdown, and I know I’m a failure. Trust me, I know. And I wish with all of me that that wasn’t the case.
But I need help with it. I can’t do it alone. No one can.
Doing this by myself, feeling like I’m unsupported and alone in this journey through hell…that will be the thing that will kill me.
We all need support sometimes.
And as much as I truly hate to admit it…this is something that I need help with. And I will need support with.
I can do a lot of things on my own. But this?
This isn’t one of them.