Do I wish I had more support when it came to my clearly non vanishing alcohol addiction? Yes, I do.
Do I wish I could go to AA, or find any other kind of support? Yes, of course I do.
But I can’t. I’m too afraid to. Too anxious, too nervous…too weak.
Yes, I need the support.
Yes, I’m an “addict”. (I fucking hate that word. Always will. And I’ll probably always fight against it as a defining word for myself.)
And yes, I’m struggling. But it seems that all of the struggling in the world does not drive me to access more support…it drives me to want to drink instead.
I know myself well enough to know that I very likely would benefit from a support group of some sort…assuming it was small in size and close in nature.
But it scares me SO much. And I honestly don’t even know what it is about it that scares me so much.
This whole…not drinking thing…it’s been so fucking hard. For the past nearly 26 weeks, I’ve had to be sober. But once this pregnancy is done, once my decisions will impact no one but me again…I’m truly terrified for that.
It is so hard to think of a future where I just..never drink again. I don’t feel strong enough for that. And I just don’t understand how I could ever do that, how I could ever even set myself up for failure like that, even just by saying “I’ll never drink again”. That feels wrong, and it feels untrue.
The ugly truth is that I need support, and I don’t know where to get it from. I feel alone and broken and like I’ll really never be successful at this. At sobriety.
The thought of simply giving up is the most enticing thought I have. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. Feeling like giving up is my only option…
Like…I know that falling back into drinking, into my old habits, will only ever hurt the ones that I love. Even if just indirectly, it will hurt my husband. It will, on some level, at some point, hurt my kids. As much as I try to hide it, be functional, and remain “myself” as much as possible…there will be a point where addiction takes over. And even the sober version of me will be consumed by it. And there’s just no version of the truth I can spit out to where that doesn’t hurt.
So then, at that point, knowing all of that, doesn’t it make more sense for me to simply just…not exist? If the very existence of me on this planet is enough to cause hurt? It seems wrong and selfish at that point then to continue on existing.
So it seems like I’ve put myself in a hole here, given myself an option. Either “stay sober”, which I simply do not feel strong enough to do…or, just leave. Just give up. Rather than to continue hurting.
I just don’t know how to make the pain stop. I don’t know how to keep going in a world that simply hurts so fucking much, with what feels like no support along the way. When it seems like I need people, support, the most…it seems like that’s when I have it the least.
How can I ever be expected to be successfully sober when I feel so fucking hopelessly alone in it? Yes, I’m sober now, but that isn’t a choice. And even then, even now, I feel it’s harder than it should be.
I wish therapy felt like a light instead of an unknown. I wish it felt like we were a team, instead of it feeling like I’m just this big fuck up who can’t do a damn thing right, no matter how hard I try.
I’m sorry that I’m not better at this. I really wish that I were. I know I’m a letdown, and I know I’m a failure. Trust me, I know. And I wish with all of me that that wasn’t the case.
But I need help with it. I can’t do it alone. No one can.
Doing this by myself, feeling like I’m unsupported and alone in this journey through hell…that will be the thing that will kill me.
We all need support sometimes.
And as much as I truly hate to admit it…this is something that I need help with. And I will need support with.
I can do a lot of things on my own. But this?
This isn’t one of them.
We have a saying in the rooms, “If I can do this, trust the fact that anyone can fucking do this.”
Four-plus years ago, I was in this exact same headspace, Girl; and my first meeting was terrifying. I spent the entire first year bleeding lies and ugly emotions into meetings… and then something changed. I wanted to be like the strong, sober women I’d spent that year lying to. The first step was admitting to them that I’d been lying; and though I fully expected to be thrown out of the program on my ass, I was met with forgiveness and acceptance instead.
I now help run a small women’s meeting online every Tuesday evening at 5:00 p.m. It’s a Zoom meeting; and people from all over the world are welcome. I don’t require folks to turn on their cameras, and I don’t force them to share. Typically, we have less than a dozen women attend, and many of them have decades of sobriety (and a few are very new). If you would like to join us, please let me know (send an email to baitlessbiter@gmail.com and I will send you the meeting ID and password). I also sponsor women in the program; and if you’d like to do some 1:1 meetings or even 1:1 correspondence, I’m here for you.
Understand too that there are two sides to the “addict” coin. One is dark and makes us feel like failures — or at the very least, like slaves to our unhealthy addictions — and one is light. The lighter side makes us determined survivors that often succeed at the healthy actions we choose as well… and it is absolutely clear to me that you have that strength.
I know that I can’t do this alone. It has taken the strength and support of many; and I am more than willing to be one of your many. We stay sober by helping each other through.
I appreciate that…and to be honest, I know it’s probably something I need to take you up on. It’s horrible to admit, but I feel like I need to fail more before I can succeed. Like…when I (knowingly and willingly) got pregnant, I knew I’d need to be sober, but I signed up for “9 months and we’ll see what happens”. I never expected that to be like, the last time I ever drank, ever. And the closer I get to the end of my pregnancy, the stronger the desire to drink gets. I’m sure it’ll be fine though. I’ll just…ugh. I wish I was stronger.
You are stronger than you know, M’Love! 💜
I did end up emailing you last night from my WordPress email. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case you saw something random come in
I will get on that right now, M’Love! 🤗
I think it’s awesome that you’ve mentioned AA. Putting it out there is a step from “I can’t” towards “I’m scared as fuck but I will.” Cassie’s Zoom meeting would be a great place to start.
Yeah, I know I need to do something more and better than what I’m doing. In therapy yesterday I “joked” (even though I was completely serious) that it will take me years to think about and come to a decision like that. Like, I’ll need to sit with it and think about it for literally possibly years before I’d actually do something like that. So…at least I’m thinking about it. That has to be something…
I wonder, though, will more thinking make it easier or harder to do? Maybe if you do it once and then take years to think about continuing, you have something to go on outside of what’s in your head.
Yeah, it’ll probably make it harder. I think it’s one of those things I just need to DO, and not let the anxiety about it keep getting in my way. I mean, I’ve already had this in my head for like a year and a half, and I’m still here. But it scares me, and it makes me feel like a failure. That I can’t just…be better. I know that’s not what it means, but it just scares me so much. I wish I had someone to go with. I think that’d be the easiest. Someone literally dragging me there lol
I can totally see how it would be scary. Could your husband drag you to a meeting and then leave once you got there? Or drag you in front of the computer for an online meeting? It seems like doing it before baby comes while you’re forced to be sober would be easier than trying to do it once alcohol becomes an option again.
He would definitely do that. But I HATE talking about this with him. Like, it’s my “dirty little secret” type of thing, and I’d rather deal with it alone than have those conversations with him. But I know that’s harmful thinking too. And honestly, addressing this while I’m forced to be sober would definitely be ideal. Which is part of the reason why is scares me so much.
Scary is a big hurdle to have to climb over, but not impossible.
Very true. An obstacle, but not impossible.