You know those nights that you can just…..predict where they’re going to go?
Somewhere around 5pm today, that happened. I knew exactly where this night was going to go, and I asked my husband to help prevent that.
Earlier in the day, he got frustrated with me. Me, already being sensitive, thought “oh great, he’s in a mood. Now tonight will be bad” etc etc etc.
But, see, I already know how I’m feeling. And I already know that lately, I’ve been through some serious shit. And I know that I simply, literally, can not survive another night that is anything less than decent.
Basically, I didn’t get my emotional needs met. I specifically asked for a night of being intentional and loving each other. In fact, this was the exact text I sent him.
(And in case the picture doesn’t load, because apparently sometimes that’s a thing, the specific text that I’m referring to says that I want to celebrate us tonight and have a love party. And then I say “Sure! I was thinking more like a special treat or dinner or coffee and intentional love and time spent together”.)
Things got bad, and only because they did. For no other reason than I was worried it would be bad. And then my emotional needs didn’t get met.
Things escalated quickly. To be honest, I escalated quickly. And then he said the one thing, the ONE thing, that is literally the MOST triggering thing that my brain can hear.
“Maybe I should just go.”
As in, give me space. Or whatever.
It was like he took a lighter to my head, which was filled with gasoline, and set that shit on fire.
We’ve done this before. We had a few years in our marriage years ago where things were BAD. Bad bad. Horrifically, devastatingly bad. Not abusive or cheating, or any kind of thing like that…just, shit like this. Where instability leads to instability.
Because if you know ANYTHING about me, it’s this.
When the relationships in my life are stable, I am stable.
And when they are not, I am not.
I drank to calm myself down. Not enough to get drunk, but enough to quiet my brain urgently.
Trust me, I needed it. I was escalated to a point that was not safe for me.
And then things continued to get bad. I was still hoping with everything in my body that he’d give me what I needed. Which is simply just words. Engagement, words, caring, presence…. He gets so fucking shut down. And all I needed was his love.
This isn’t a new issue. It’s the EXACT same thing we’ve been through before.
And in the past, he’s made the adjustments. He heard me, and spoke my language back to me.
Recently, it’s like he’s forgotten how to speak the language of our marriage.
Or really, speak at all. All he wants to do is avoid. Avoid everything. It’s not new. It’s so, so familiar.
Nothing got better. Alcohol wasn’t calming me down enough. Pills weren’t helping. So, ok. Self harm. Yup, broke that streak too. Doing great so far.
At this point, I’m pretty intent on killing myself.
I’ve got the bottle of pills in my hand. Not caring anymore. Because nothing matters.
But I don’t want to act on impulse.
I promised myself when I was a teenager that I’d never act on impulse. If you want to kill yourself, fine. But ride the feeling out. Don’t act at the peak.
So I through the bottle of pills across the room. Literally.
I tried, once again, to have a conversation.
We did. Somewhat. Don’t get me wrong, I was still fired up. But I tried to have an actual productive, meaningful conversation about how I feel my needs are not being met, and how in the past, this has been our exact problem, and we made adjustments.
But he is no longer making those same, small, small adjustments. Where I just want him to engage. Be present. Hear me. Put effort into us, our marriage. Prioritize our relationship.
I’m calm now. I’m not okay, but I’m calm.
I’m chugging caffeine like my life depends on it, bridging the gap until it’s time to drink.
Right now, we’re “fine”. I’m fine. Still on the outside, and not completely on fire on the inside.
I’m hurt, I’m sad, and I’m scared for my near future.
This is a me issue.
This is attachment issues.
When my relationships are not solid, I am not okay. And my marriage is my most important relationship.
I wish I were less impacted by one person and their thoughts or actions. I suppose it isn’t fair to him. Not that he’s blameless, but he isn’t responsible for my feelings.
I won’t act on impulse. That is my rule. And it’s a rule that’s saved my life countless times.
But I’ve been feeling pretty bad for a little while now. And I’ve been thinking about things I haven’t thought about for a while now.
I don’t see tonight going well for me. No, we won’t fight again. I’m sure we’ll tip toe around each others feelings and pretend that everything is fine and perfect and normal. Sure, I can do that. I can dance that dance. I’ve done it before.
But that doesn’t change how I’m feeling. And as the nights go on, my feelings typically get bigger and bigger. And harder to ignore.
I feel like a shell of myself.
I want to cry, but I can’t.
How a person can feel everything and nothing all at the same time, I’ll never know.
But that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Numb, yet so fucking full of emotion.
I need a safe place. A safe person. If my husband temporarily isn’t my safe place…shit.
It just makes me feel so alone.
And broken.
And worthless.