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Red lights

Sometimes, things happen and line up in a way that just makes you stop and pay attention. I’ve had a few of those nights recently.

Last month, driving home from therapy on 2 separate nights, I noticed how both times, I hit nearly every single green light. I live a good 20ish minutes away from therapy, so that’s a pretty big win.

It happened twice, and that never happens. It might’ve even been 2 weeks in a row, but it was definitely within the same month. And it was definitely something that made me stop it thing.

It happened during a time when things were going really well. Our relationship has clearly been ok solid ground, I actually felt like I was making progress, and everything just felt good. It was like the universe was giving me the green light. And I noticed.

Last night was the opposite. Driving home from therapy I hit every single red light. Not only was it annoying just in the sense of that’s something that’s annoying….but it also made me stop and pay attention.

Things, clearly, have been hard right now. Not necessarily in therapy, but just in my life in general. I’m in a period of a lot of stress and transition and change, and absolutely nothing is coming easily.

Therapy went well last night, but we didn’t go to the park. I did drive there, but ended up driving to the office at the last second. It had been threatening to rain all day and it just stressed me out too much. I wanted to be in the park, but it just didn’t happen.

I didn’t feel like I clearly articulated myself at all. It was hard to explain the emotions and thoughts in my head in any type of way that would make sense. Lately, the thoughts running around my head feels like a big jumbled up mess, and dissecting that and organizing and then articulating it in a way that somewhat resembles the English language…yeah. Easier said than done.

I kind of told her at the end that I felt like I wasn’t exactly as…not honest, I was honest. But maybe that I still felt like I was downplaying things a bit? And she kind of told me that that’s okay because feelings are stupid and we’re more worried about behaviors/actions and things like that.

She asked me, at one point, something along the lines of, I think, if I trusted her enough yet to try EMDR again. That’s certainly a question if I’ve ever heard one….

Things are a lot better between us now than they probably ever have been…and I do have a lot more trust in her than I did…so I don’t think that’s the issue. At this point, I’ve tried and failed at EMDR enough to be afraid of trying again. Because I don’t want to mess up where we are…and if I fail, then things might get rocky again. And I don’t want that.

I do agree that we’re probably in a place where we could attempt it, and maybe it will even be successful. Maybe I’ll for once be able to let my brain go where it’s supposed to go without putting up walls or trying to direct it.

Or, maybe not. And I’ll once again be seen as a failure, and I’ll hate myself, and she’ll be upset with me…yeah. That whole thing.

And then the red lights.

Things are going rather poorly right now in my life, and I have to take a moment to pause and think about it all.

No, I’m not one to take “signs from the universe” too seriously. But do I laugh at the irony sometimes? Yeah, I sure do.

Life is one big red light right now. And I don’t really know where to go, or how to proceed.

There is a really big part of me that wants to run away. Being completely and absolutely crushed by the never ending needs of my family that I can’t ever seem to meet is…it’s completely depleted me.

My life feels like a red light right now. Something needs to change, something needs to be different. My husband is feeling it too.

I don’t know what the answer is. But lately, every single day feels like I’m drowning and that I won’t make it.

It’s just hard when it seems like no matter how hard you try, and no matter what you do….you still feel this stuck and this broken.

It kind of sucks that therapy is only once a week right now. It’s starting to feel like the only lifeline I have. And every week, it feels like the goal is just to make it to Monday. Catch my breath. And then start all over.

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