Well, my husband has been gone for a while now. For honestly, what feels like forever. (He’s taking care of his dad who has been in a serious health decline.)
I guess I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight. And it isn’t even 9pm yet! Last night I joked that after 9pm, my life basically just becomes one big AMA (ask me anything). But, it’s not even 8:30 yet, and here I am.
To be honest, it feels like he really could come home at this point. And, maybe I’m feeling sensitive to it all, but I’m starting to feel like this is just it, and he’s not going to come home. I don’t know, it’s rough.
I’m starting to feel that panicky, bad, scared feeling again tonight.
I feel alone…because I am alone. And that really, really sucks.
It’s absolutely impossible to manage my drinking, when I have nothing and no one to be with, to try for. I’m alone with the darkness of my own thoughts.
Thoughts that apparently must be drowned out with alcohol.
I don’t know. It’s just…it’s so fucking hard right now.
I know I shouldn’t bother you, anyone, with all of this…me…
But I can tell tonight is going to be a bad one. The bad feelings crept in early. And I don’t know what to do to get them to stop.
I’d be lying if I said nights like this didn’t scare me.
I’m just feeling so incredibly alone. In every sense of the word. And that is such a scary feeling.