When the nights get longer and longer

Well, my husband has been gone for a while now. For honestly, what feels like forever. (He’s taking care of his dad who has been in a serious health decline.)

I guess I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight. And it isn’t even 9pm yet! Last night I joked that after 9pm, my life basically just becomes one big AMA (ask me anything). But, it’s not even 8:30 yet, and here I am.

To be honest, it feels like he really could come home at this point. And, maybe I’m feeling sensitive to it all, but I’m starting to feel like this is just it, and he’s not going to come home. I don’t know, it’s rough.

I’m starting to feel that panicky, bad, scared feeling again tonight.

I feel alone…because I am alone. And that really, really sucks.

It’s absolutely impossible to manage my drinking, when I have nothing and no one to be with, to try for. I’m alone with the darkness of my own thoughts.

Thoughts that apparently must be drowned out with alcohol.

I don’t know. It’s just…it’s so fucking hard right now.

I know I shouldn’t bother you, anyone, with all of this…me

But I can tell tonight is going to be a bad one. The bad feelings crept in early. And I don’t know what to do to get them to stop.

I’d be lying if I said nights like this didn’t scare me.

I’m just feeling so incredibly alone. In every sense of the word. And that is such a scary feeling.

7 thoughts on “When the nights get longer and longer”

  1. It’s been about 3 hours since you
    posted this, so I hope you’re sound asleep by now and not feeling alone anymore.
    Why don’t you curl up in bed with a good book? That is the best way to be alone! I hope tomorrow is better.
    Derek WILL be back, don’t worry 😉

    1. I have a book that I keep trying to read, but every time I start, I feel guilty because “I should be doing something else” 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s so frustrating lol.
      I do hope he comes back soon. It feels like it’s been forever

  2. I get the same jitters, though it’s when my other half works night shifts. I’m left with “I be so much time to do things! Oh…oh no” as my brain tries to go into old habits.
    As the other comment said, finding something to be preoccupied with is a big help. He will return, it’ll soon be OK and whatever form it takes, tomorrow will be a step further and a step better

  3. Holding space for you, and we DO care! When you are lonely, you also might want to try the warm line I volunteer for: http://7cupsoftea.com . Or get the “7 Cups of Tea” App. It’s through chat, free, and anonymous. Just another tool that might help.

    I used to get lonely at night too.

    1. I remember using that back when I was in high school. Cool that it’s still around (and awesome that you’re a volunteer for it!)
      I always just worry I’ll be “too much” for someone 🤷🏻‍♀️😅
      But yeah, it is good to know. Nights really do just suck.

      1. Lol, everyone thinks they are too much, but nobody is! I have only ended chats when people are only there to flirt with me and won’t stop. Ugh

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