If there’s one thing that’s absolutely true in life, it’s that grief is not one size fits all. How one person feels, or outwardly handles grief may be completely different than you, or not what you’d expect…and that’s fine.
It’s one of the those things that’s just so individualized and so personal, and you can’t just put it in a box and label it one certain kind of way.
If you know me, you know that this is the time of year when grief is basically all I feel. That, and anger. Oh, don’t forget the massive amounts of anxiety as well.
You might know that, for me, it’s all consuming, all I can think about the closer the day comes, and I handle it by drinking more, needing a lot of love (and chocolate) and basically wanting to die.
My husband got the phone call yesterday that we’ve been waiting for for a while now, that his dad had died after a long and hard fight with cancer.
While it was expected, it’s still hard to hear and hard to swallow.
My husband grieves differently than I do. Which is totally to be expected.
He leans in, where I push people away. He allows people to love him, where I don’t.
Instead of shutting down and retreating, he looks to do things to make his family happy, me and the kids. He gets oddly selfless, and just very present and very loving.
On my worst days,when the grief is the heaviest, I’ll push you away. Tell you I don’t need you. Say that I want to be alone. I don’t, that’s a complete lie, but it’s just what I do. I act like I don’t need anyone or anything. Probably because I feel like shit, and just totally undeserving.
It’s easy to support someone like my husband through his grief because, more often than not, he allows me to.
I’m….not as easy to support. I know that. I don’t know why I feel as undeserving of love as I do, but…I guess that’s just part of it for me.
I’m not sure what happens next. There will be a service in El Paso…which is a good 6 hour drive from us.
We still only have one car, because there’s just no way in hell we can add another monthly payment. He would need to take my car for who knows how long…and that just isn’t possible.
I have to, at the VERY least, take my son to and from school every day. So, logistically, I just don’t know how this is going to work out. But I definitely don’t want him to miss out on going to his dad’s service.
For now, we’re all just living life one day at a time.
He’ll be home with me for the next week on bereavement leave, and he’s really happy about that. We’re both just at the point in our lives where being together is our favorite thing.
Life is hard right now. And so, so full of grief. Mine is just getting started and hasn’t even fully kicked into gear yet.
I don’t have therapy this Monday, which really sucks. But at least my husband will be home all day, maybe making my week just a little bit easier.
If grief looks different on you than it does on someone else, that means you’re doing it right.
Be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling, and process it the way it feels right for you.
Grief doesn’t fit in a box. I know mine certainly doesn’t.
Although, I’ll be honest. Sometimes I do wish that the pain would just go away forever.
I’m so sick of hurting this way.