Oh, Monday. You already know how I feel about you.
This Monday is a little different because it’s the start of the last full week of summer here. School starts up again next Wednesday and we’ll be thrown right back into the school routine. This time with 2 kids, as my 5 year old will be starting kindergarten.
Of course this week won’t go down silently as we have about a million appointments. Phoenix, my 5 year old, decided to shake things up last week when his nosebleeds intensify. He has a pretty significant history of nosebleeds, but after he got it cauterized in December, I hoped it would resolve.
But, no. His nosebleeds got so bad these past few days there were multiple occasions where I was seconds from bringing him to the ER. The poor people at camp where the worst one happened did a great job of taking care of him until I got there, but it was definitely scary. He’s had about 20 in the past 5 days…so…that’s something. Hopefully his ENT appointment on Wednesday will help!
Stuck?
I definitely overdid it physically this weekend and my body has been paying the price ever since. We cleared out all the old/wet hay from the goats area where the hay feeder is, and holy shit if you done think scraping and shoveling hundreds of pounds of wet hay, bagging it, and then taking it down to the street in 100° weather is hard work…well, then I envy your physical capabilities!
I’ve been trying to distract my ever so anxious brain with crocheting lately. I got in a rut for a while where making things just seemed…too hard. But I finished 2 projects and started 2 new ones yesterday! So that felt…productive.
I definitely didn’t do as well with drinking as I would’ve liked to this week. I think I just feel badly about myself in general. Like, I’m not good enough. Or successful enough. Or a good enough person or parent or wife. I feel like I’m just…failing. And when I feel like I’m failing, it’s hard to see myself as being successful in anything.
I think I probably need to change the way I see myself and feel about myself before anything else can change.
Or maybe I won’t ever feel any differently about myself until things change. Huh. That’s not a fun paradox to be stuck in.
Today, I am still in an overwhelming amount of pain. Literally everything hurts. And days like this are just impossible to get through. I want to be active. I want to be productive.
Yet, I can’t even carry my son who weighs less than 20lbs from one room to the next without excruciating pain and my muscles simply giving out.
It’s hard to see myself in the light I want to see myself in when physically, things are just so beyond difficult sometimes.
As with every Monday, tonight will end with therapy.
I want to be hopeful and go in there feeling like…confident and shit, but I don’t know. I’m definitely feeling off today.
I’m trying to focus on moving forward. On doing better, on improving myself and improving things for our family. But it’s hard when I feel stuck. And when our situation feels so impossible to get out of.
I know things are one day at a time. And things don’t get better overnight. But…I’d like to at least feel a little bit of hope right now.