Why?
Why struggle when the outcome I so desperately want seems so far fetched, so far away?
Why fight when the fight seems so freaking impossible to win?
What are we doing here?
Seriously, what are we doing here?!
Let’s talk about it.
Yes. We’re fighting. We’re fighting like hell.
We want to win. We want to survive.
But are we? Will we?
Let’s be honest. We’re coming up on the HARDEST time of the year.
February quickly passing, leading into March, leading into April.
And for the next 3 months.
It’s trauma after trauma after trauma.
So…yes. Please. Let’s talk about it…shall we?
I’m struggling.
I’m struggling alone. And I’m struggling silently.
Few, if any, know about what this time of year means to me.
If you know about the adoption part alone, that’s enough. Because honestly, that’s the biggest hurt. The biggest trauma. My birth son’s birthday being in the first week of April.
But there’s a lot of “other” right now, too.
A lot of leading up to his birthday. Having to text his parents. Who, by the way, NEVER responded to the gift I sent him for Christmas. (A handmade, crocheted ((per their request)) gift that took a significant amount of time and effort and emotional energy from me.)
There’s getting through the trauma from the car accidents that happened just shy of a year ago.
There’s getting through sick season unscathed and alive, which isn’t just a guarantee when you have medically fragile kids. (She says while the youngest currently has croup and sounds horrible.)
Honestly, there’s even just trying to stay alive. Fighting for myself, prioritizing my own needs and my own mental health, while not killing is financially. Therapy has to take a back seat this week, and I hope that never has to be the case again. It certainly didn’t help my head feel any kind of good or safe this week.
I feel pretty alone right now. Dealing with this a particular part of the year. The hurt and the loss, the grief, the putting myself out there over and over only to continue to be hurt and rejected…
The further into February we get, the more it builds.
I hate this time of year. It starts now. And it’s so much worse this year because of all the extra. All the other. All the insane that last year brought to us.
I haven’t talked about it. At all. With anyone.
And it sucks. I feel alone. And broken. And unworthy.
So, yeah. Let’s talk about it.
Because having to text his parents? Oooh boy. That’s going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. That’s going to be the biggest emotional hurdle. Texting them and asking what I can do for his birthday. When they never even responded after Christmas. It hurts.
This time of year sucks. And I’m tired of feeling like I have to keep it to myself.
Honestly. I don’t think I have the strength or the courage to reach out to them and open myself up again.
I’m strong, but not that strong.