Here we are. Another day zero. Must be the millionth one.
I wasn’t trying today, not in any significant way. But I have been trying for months now.
It just feels so unreasonably unattainable. Like, no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try…I will fail.
Tonight was a start. Maybe my first real start in a while. Since…September, if I’m being honest.
It’s been a pretty rough go for me since September. A lot of loss, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain…and a lot of reasons to not want to be sober.
But…it’s been an even longer time of me wanting to fight back against it. Wanting to do better…wanting things to change.
I’m trying not to turn a blind eye on my health. When my husband does things like hug me…but in a way that feels different…and I ask him what he’s doing….and he responds with “I’m just not sure how long you’re going to be here”…yeah. It hurts.
My genetic disorder is deadly on its own. I don’t need to help it out. I also really can’t be mixing alcohol with the new meds my doctor wants me to start for inflammation and nerve pain.
So tonight, I’m trying to try. I had less than half of my normal amount. I’m committing to going to sleep earlier, and letting my husband love me without pushing him away.
I want to feel better. I want to do better.
Insomnia and nightmares are my biggest short term obstacles. I won’t even get started on my long term ones.
But…I have the motivation tonight. And it’s enough to take a half of a step, and just see where it goes.