Here we are at night number…1? Still zero? Two? I honestly don’t know.
Last night I decided to take a small, tiny, half of a step to really try getting sober. Again. So I drank half of my usual amount, despite knowing how much it would suck for me.
And oh, how it sucked.
After taking what felt like 13 years to actually fall asleep, I woke up at 4:18am after some pretty horrific nightmares. And didn’t really sleep at all after that.
That’s pretty par for the course, honestly. Insomnia and nightmares were pretty much the main reason I started drinking way back when, and haven’t looked back since. Yay trauma and PTSD!
Despite my awful, but predictable night, I wasn’t completely sold one way or another on how tonight would go. I know myself well enough to not put pressure on myself because that’s the fastest way to get me to fail.
Tonight, instead of me making my own drink like I literally do every single night for all of eternity, my husband took it upon himself to make me a drink. Not in a bad way, be bought some hibiscus ginger beer (nonalcoholic) for me to just drink as an alternative, but instead used that as a mixture and put vodka in it instead. Ew. Totally ruined the hibiscus ginger beer. (Half kidding, but it did take away a lot of the flavor).
I don’t usually drink vodka. It’s my backup plan, but it’s really just meh. It was also sweet. I don’t go for sweet usually. Let’s be clear, I only ever drink Kraken (the stronger one) with diet Dr. Pepper as the mixer. I never change drinks. So this threw off big time.
Not only was it a different drink, it was sweet, it was a different (less strong) alcohol, and it was about half of my already halved amount from last night. So…a lot less than my usual.
It threw me off, but in a good way. Because I didn’t feel the same…need to drink more. Certainly not of a drink that isn’t my own, anyway.
So, I guess that’s a lot of words to say that I’m still doing a good job. 2 nights into it, 9:42pm and I’ve already brushed my teeth in a firm commitment to not drink any more. I honestly don’t even want to right now.
I’m also doing different things. Getting completely out my routine, not just partially.
I’m prepared for an even worse night of sleep tonight, with even worse nightmares. I just hope I can get through this part of it.
The nightmares and insomnia are just a part of me. They’re a part of trauma. They’ve been present since I was 5 years old. So I know this won’t get better days or weeks from now, and I know I’ll need to find another solution for that.
So I’m not failing yet. Not quite succeeding either, but honestly, if I didn’t taper down, I’d be having some pretty dangerous and painful withdrawals. So we take it slowly, and hope to keep making steps.
Small steps are still steps. Even if they don’t seem like it in the moment.