This is a hard season, I’m not going to lie. My mind has been messy for a minute now, the trauma of the past year, and really all of it in general, is catching up to me.
I’ve been holding on, fighting a winless fight for a long time now. This time of year isn’t kind to me…this year and last year more so than any other.
I’ve tried to downplay and ignore it. Deny it and disengage. But I can’t. It’s gotten too big and too encompassing.
Last night was triggering as hell. A conversation with my birth son’s parents that went…beautifully well. And oh, how that hurt. A month until his birthday, a month more of constant triggers, constant reminders of him. Of grief, of loss, of heartbreak, of pain…of confusion on the future and the next path to travel unknown.
Things hurt right now. It’s depression at its finest. It’s trauma showing up in the light and the dark. And everywhere in between.
It’s nightmares, it’s insomnia, it’s PTSD triggers and it’s trying to survive it all.
I don’t really feel like I have a safe place for my feelings and emotions right now. For the heaviness of it all. I’m shutting down, shutting in, and drowning in my own head with no outlet to drain all the noise.
So I’m handling it myself as best as I can.
Which, admittedly…isn’t all that great. Not when the magnitude of the pain and the trauma is this big.
So, maybe we lose the battle. Maybe we admit to defeat. Not forever, but for now.
Stop fighting it, stop trying to drown it out with alcohol and bad decisions…and just embrace it.
Yeah, we’re losing this one. Accept it. Embrace it. Accept that you’re not stronger than the fucked up situation you find yourself in.
It’s okay to lose a few battles along the way.
But that doesn’t mean we lose the war.
We get back up and fight. Every single step of the way.
Even when it sucks. Even when you feel alone.
And even when you’re pretty sure you’ve got no more steps left in you.
Get back up and do it anyway.
We win the war.
Losing a battle along the way is just par for the course.