Okay. Let’s take a second to keep it real.
Things have been rough lately. Really, really rough.
My birth sons birthday, then Mother’s Day (one hell of a trigger, regardless of the fact that I parent 3 other children), a lot of challenging medical things with my kids (and myself), and a lot of loss.
Mostly, a lot of loss.
Last night we had to put down Rosie, our 1 year old goat who had CL, an incurable and extremely contagious disease. After keeping her in isolation for a week and trying to drain and heal her abscesses, it because clear we were fighting a losing battle, and impossible decisions were made.
My heart is broken, but I know that comes with the territory of raising animals. Still, it’s not the choice I wanted to make, and we did everything within our power to find a way.
Derek has been going out most nights this past week without me doing door dashing after work for some extra money to try to keep us from drowning. The extra income helps just barely, but I hate spending nights alone after the days are already so long.
I’ve been spending a lot of time crocheting, and trying to create instead of self destructing and shutting down. I actually finally decided (with a lot of pushing by my husband) to start a website. I’m going to start selling some of the things I make…and even though I’m terrified of it, I’m also kind of excited.
It feels good to make something with a purpose, rather than just making random things because I enjoy crocheting, but not having a specific intent for it.
Anytime I can focus my anxious energy into creativity…writing, crocheting, creating, whatever it is…I’m in a much better place than I would be otherwise.
But if I’m being totally honest, I am struggling.
With everything going on, all the stress and heartache and everything else, I have been self medicating more. I’ve had alcohol probably 5 or 6 of the past 7 nights…and that’s not good. That’s a hard backslide. And that’s not where I want to be.
I desperately want to change the path I’m headed down, and I think therapy tomorrow night will help with that.
It’s been hard and triggering lately, but I need that. I need that and I want it. Because I want to heal. And grow. And it’s not going to happen by staying safe and avoiding everything.
I’m feeling anxious and lonely tonight, and I wish Derek was home. The weather is sketchy, and I have so much panic when he’s out driving to begin with, let alone if there are potential storms popping up.
I’m currently crocheting a succulent in a hanging pot, and I kind of love it. My hands hurt, and I need a break…but I need to have something else to focus on rather than my anxiety.
I’ve had a lot of loss and hurt lately. And I’m devastated today, to say the least.
But I don’t want it to be another excuse to drink. I want to get back on track.
And I know I can. I just have to do it. No matter how much it sucks.