Site icon Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

How do you talk about the hard things in therapy?

You’d think I’d be good at this “therapy” thing by now. Especially since I’ve been with my current therapist for something like 6 years now…which that in and of itself is nothing short of a miracle. I’ll never say enough good things about her, and she’s done a stellar job at keeping me alive. (Good work, JP 👍)

But there are still things that just…for whatever reason…I physically can’t bring myself to talk about. I imply it, I infer it…but actually saying the words about certain topics? Shit. It’s as if I’m trying to admit to a crime or something. (I’m not, obviously, but it feels like it must be equally as difficult.)

There are the “safe” topics. Ya know…marriage, parenting, general life and family stuff, depression, the fun sarcastic times…

Then there’s the “ehhh…grayish area” topics: my family (different type of family…not the husband and kids type), more severe depression, alcohol intake, etc.

And then…the red button topics. The “don’t push me unless you’re a 8/10 drunk, or a second away from killing yourself or worse, type of topics: just how actually suicidal I (sometimes) am, self harm, just how much I’m actually drinking/how much more I want to drink… anything relating to sex. At all. Any part of that is just….I’d rather die than talk about it. Sexual assault (almost easier than sex to talk about though…so what the fuck? Or even leading into the positive things. Anything vulnerable that’s positive. Like…admitting I like her? (Ew. That’s horrible. You don’t actually tell someone you “more than tolerate” them.) My birth son (shutters. Eck. Seriously…no. In an abstract way? Sure. We’ll call that “safe”. But certainly not attached to real emotion.)

Literally just anything that even closely resembles vulnerability.

I want to. Don’t get me wrong…I fucking want to. I so desperately wish I was like…normal enough to talk about the things that (probably aren’t that) hard. But I freeze and I shut down, or I turn off the emotion attached to it and just…ugh. It’s frustrating.

I want to be better. But I really do not know how to do this. I’ve always chosen my words carefully…let alone the topics.

I’ve been taught what to say, what to avoid, what not to say…a lifetime of “neglect and abuse” will do that to you, I guess.

But really…how can I be better at this? Is it even possible? How can I talk about things that I’d actually rather die than ever confront…but also desperately want to confront?!

I know, I know. It’s another example of me being a fucking enigma. I don’t make sense, I never will.

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