Things have been one huge mess of chaos here for the past 2 weeks. And with the already massive stress of the holidays and all that that is, I didn’t exactly needed to add any more onto my plate.
Last week, Phoenix, my 6 year old, stayed home for most of the week with a sinus infection/ear infection.
I had hoped that he would have kept his germs to himself, but Christian, my almost 8 year old, went down pretty hard on Sunday, with my 2 year old right behind him yesterday. So, off the the doctor with Christian and Atlas yesterday, and they both have pneumonia, and horrible asthma flare ups on top of that.
So about 12 new prescriptions between the 3 of them later…I’m purely in survival mode right now.
We didn’t get home from the doctor/pharmacy last night until after 6pm, and I had therapy at 6:30. I gave all 3 kids their meds, left them with my husband and ran out the door.
Therapy was…it was intense. Between my sister being here for the holidays, everything going on with the kids, other family drama and just life in general…a lot of heaviness for talked about.
It’s hard having a new therapist and having to open up about things that are particularly hard or triggering to talk about. Specifically as it relates to the sexual abuse/assault that I’ve faced an unfortunate amount of times throughout my life.
Holidays trigger a lot for me. And while it’s always felt like something I can’t talk about for so many reasons…I know that holding all of it in will only cause more problems. And my goal for myself isn’t to make things worse…it’s to work towards healing and feeling better.
Last night in particular felt harder to not have my old therapist than it has in a few weeks. I think I was triggered by an email I got from my kids old therapist (and THE freaking reason for my therapist thinking she can’t work with me anymore, she told her she had to refer me out since they became business partners) so it was hard.
And then having to talk about probably the thing I hold the closest to me, the thing that’s arguably the hardest thing to talk about…it was rough.
Granted, this very specific topic never went over with in therapy when I talked about it in the past.
So even for that reason alone, I learned never to talk about it or discuss it.
My therapist last night handled the watered down version of the conversation significantly better than other people have in the past, where I was 100% victim blamed.
I still hate what happened. I always will. But I knew, even along the way, that there were things and topics and conversations that weren’t handled well by my therapist previously.
So even though I’m having to start over, and everything is brand new, and having these impossible conversations is hard enough without having to start from the beginning…it overall went better than it has in the past. So…maybe that’s…. hopeful.
I’m having a hard time mentally right now. With the holidays, and my birth son and trying to crochet him things with not nearly enough time, and my kids being sick and possibly needing another hospital stay, and the triggers that family bring, especially this time of year…it’s a lot.
I came home from therapy around 9pm last night, had half of a drink and then honestly was so exhausted that I just wanted to go to bed.
I hope tomorrow is a better day, and both Christian and Atlas sound better and our doctor doesn’t admit them. Atlas in particular sounds awful and I can’t get his wheezing under control with everything I have at home, so he’s my biggest concern.
I have therapy again the day after Christmas, so I’m kind of looking forward to that. It’ll be nice to have an opportunity to decompress from all the chaos that Christmas will surely be, and come up with a game plan moving forward for New Years.
It is what it is, and I can’t control any of it.
But I’m doing my best.
One day at a time.