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An exercise in vulnerability

Vulnerability. A seemingly forever ongoing topic.

How to be real, how to feel, how to show feeling.

Our conversations are often led with sarcasm at the forefront, my most famous defense. Feeling has never been safe, and talking about feelings had always led to danger for me.

Tonight was easy. It wasn’t significant (except it was), it wasn’t hard (except in the ways that it was), but I felt so safe.

You encouraged me to talk, it felt real and genuine, and I felt heard.

Alcohol is on board, so that makes this so much easier. Being vulnerable is hard as SHIT for me. So this is an attempt at that.

It’s always the nights like these. The ones that may not feel significant, but where I leave feeling so hopeful and safe.

That I was actually heard, not for what I said but for who I am.

Our goal and our topic lately has been vulnerability. Something I genuinely suck at. We’ve been doing this therapy thing for 6 years and I still suck at it. But I’m getting there. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to relearn all of these incorrect, deep seated thoughts and patterns.

Tonight was easy, it was real, and it was meaningful. It was a 2 hour discussion on vulnerability, which I used sarcasm and awkwardness to get through, but it still felt good.

Any time I leave therapy feeling “peaceful and better”, I consider it a great night and a success.

We’re working on vulnerability, and on “vulnerable language”. Whatever the fuck that means.

This is my attempt at that. She’ll probably never see this, and that’s why writing it was possible. Vulnerability is absolutely not safe.

Vulnerability in anonymity? Much more doable.

It’s a step. That’s all anyone can ask for. And I will keep making these small steps for as long I can.

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