Suddenly, the world feels a million pounds heavier.
Everything is building up, nothing can get done.
Things are getting harder and harder and harder.
Thoughts are becoming darker and darker and darker.
Things are going on that I don’t know how to get into.
Like, despite the fact that I asked, I reached out, I sent the text…I did not get an answer.
Yes. I sent the “what can I get my own child for his birthday” text.
My birth son turns 9 years old in 17 days.
And I sent the text. I asked the question. Usually, I get a response. “Oh, he’s super into this right now.” “Oh, this would be lovely.” Or, “oh, he could really use this.”
This year, 2 days ago, I got an “oh, let me ask him”.
I’m sorry….what??
“Ask” him? I’m sorry, what???!!!! Ask him what exactly? “What would you like from your birth mom this year for your birthday?”
It’s different and weird, and I don’t want different or weird.
I want “he’s super into Pokémon and Star Wars”. I want, “he could really use a new bed set or bathrobe and some books”.
I have 17 days. And so far, I have one thing that got here late for Christmas that I kept for his birthday. I have nothing. I have NOTHING for my child for his birthday.
You probably don’t get it, and that’s fine. I don’t expect you to. Adoption is weird. And it sucks. And it’s fucking hard.
I don’t have the emotional capacity to go into any more logistical details right now.
But what do you do when you need to reach out, and there’s no one there?
What do you do when you want to die, and you don’t know who to turn to that will talk you off the ledge?
What do you do when you feel so fucking alone, that every breath you take feels like you’re inhaling sludge and toxins and it just feels so fucking wrong?
Seriously.
What am I supposed to do?
This feels unsurvivable.
I don’t know how to get through this.
Truthfully, I feel like my people are letting me down right now.
And I would never, ever admit that.
Except for the fact that I’m feeling extremely emotionally fragile, and I feel like I have reached out. At least, I’ve tried to.
The people in my life know by now that this time of year, I need a bit more.
And so far, this year…
I don’t know. I just feel insanely fucking alone.
And it feels disgusting for me to keep talking about my feelings.
I’m barely hanging on.
I do not know how to get through this.
This year feels SO much harder than last year.
I want to give up. I just want to drink so much that I never wake up again.
Because the pain is too much this year.
It’s simply too much.
(((I miss you always. But right now, I miss you so much extra))).