Today was a bad day. Straight up, point blank. A bad day. It did not go the way I hoped it would, in fact, this entire week has not gone the way I thought it would.
My husband and I got into an argument again, mostly because of communication (and his extreme lack there of), then he convinently gets a migraine AGAIN (not that I’m suggesting he’s lying about it, more that I’m pissed as shit that it’s happening so frequently and he won’t take my advice about avoiding his triggers).
My husband and I are two VERY different people. He is avoidant and shuts down IMMEDIATELY at the smell, sight, or taste of conflict.
I, on the other hand, absolutely NEED the conflict to be addressed IMMEDIATELY, or else my brain actually goes insane and I get more and more anxious and feel horrible and my world falls apart and then my anxiety comes out as anger and it’s bad. (Yeah, yeah. Attachment issues. It is what it is. I’m working on it.)
So we don’t handle conflict the same way. It’s been a big problem for us in the past. And we’ve worked hard to come up with ways to communicate with each other in a way that works for both of us.
This past week, that has not happened. I’m probably not blameless, and I’m more than willing to claim my share of blame when necessary. Trust me, I hate myself. I’ll blame myself for everything all day long. I’m a horrible person.
But I don’t think I’ve done that much wrong this week. I’ve voiced the things that have been upsetting me. Tried to get him to communicate, gotten upset when he doesn’t communicate (okay, yeah, that one’s on me), he shuts down, I get more upset, and it just perpetuates itself.
Honestly, at this point, we’re “fighting” just because we’re fighting and not reaching any kind of resolution.
And I don’t get over things. His idea of “resolution” is to never talk about it ever again and hope that it goes away.
I’m sorry. That’s NOT the way that my brain works.
If my mom wasn’t supposed to be coming to therapy with me tomorrow, I’d absolutely be bringing him. Because I don’t think we’re getting past this hump on our own. Unless, that is, he decides to be present and engaged and communicate again.
He’s not a bad person or a bad husband, and I feel badly for even talking about this.
It’s more just the fact that we handle things in SUCH different ways.
He simply…doesn’t react, and shuts down.
And I MASSIVELY over react and freak out because the world is literally shattering from beneath my feet. That’s how it feels for me when my relationships are not completely totally 1 billion percent stable.
Today, all I wanted to do was drink. All day long. I haven’t had urges to get drunk drunk during the day in a while. But today, it’s all I could think about. I chose to go the other way, actually, and load myself up with stimulants and uppers. (Is that a better choice? I really don’t know. But I did not drink.)
Things seem…okay…between us right now. My anxiety seems to have settled and instead has turned into pure and absolute depression.
I’m glad that I was able to let go of some of my anxiety (that always comes out as anger and never ever helps anything), and honestly, writing this out really helped a lot. But I hate days like today. Weeks like this week.
Days like today make me worried about the nights. Even though, I think we’re okay for the moment, I’M in a really unsteady place.
I will not be in control of my drinking tonight, much like I haven’t been for a while now. I’m feeling an incredible amount of self hatred, I’m assuming all of the blame and issues that we’ve been having, and I’m taking it all on myself. Because obviously, it’s all my fault.
It’s easy to hate myself and feel like I’m the failure when it feels like I’m the only one fighting for us.
It makes me feel like the bad guy when whenever I voice my feelings, he immediately shuts down and avoids. Like, I’m wrong for even saying anything.
I don’t know.
Like I said, I’m worried about tonight. About where it goes.
I’ve had a few really, really rough nights this week, where my feelings got too big and too overwhelming and I had no one to talk to.
So I sat alone on my bathroom (for some reason that’s become my safe place) with a bottle of alcohol and a blanket.
I see tonight ending up there. I don’t want it to, but I’m not naive to my triggers and feelings.
Talking helps. Support helps.
But I feel like I’m lacking that right now. Partially because I’ve pulled away from most of my significant relationships, and they’ve let me.
I feel like this blog post is an entire book now. So I’ll stop here.
Hopefully you won’t hear from me tonight, writing my 3rd post of the day, from the bathroom floor.
But he still has that migraine, which means he’ll go to bed early, which means I’ll be alone. And those nights never go well. So, it’s kind of a recipe for disaster.