Guys, I have to say it. I am pretty damn impressed with myself with how accurately I predicted therapy would go with both my mom and my dad.
When my dad came a few weeks ago, it was rough and brutal and just so non productive because all he did was tell me everything horrible about myself for 2 hours. And I accurately predicted just about everything that he’d say or do.
Well, last night, my mom came. And even though my mom and I are very different people, I still fully and accurately predicted how it would go. So I guess I just find that a little bit amusing.
Let’s jump in!
First of all, yesterday, immediately when I walked in the door after Atlas had his morning therapy, my dad basically flipped out on me. Again. And it didn’t stop. And then I dished it back. Because I have REACHED MY LIMIT with hearing people talk cruelly to me when I simply do not deserve it. The specifics don’t matter, and honestly, I still don’t know what happened. All I did was come home. But boy was he unhappy with me.
I, then, got INSANELY, like holy shit triggered. So I put the baby down for a nap (he was already late for a nap due to his early morning therapy), broke the fuck down, cried in front of my older 2 children (at this point, my parents had left the house to go to a store), took a shot (or two), some uppers to go with it, and sent a few strongly worded messages to both my husband and my therapist.
The one to my husband more or less promised that I have every intention of killing myself if I continue to get shit on by him and everyone else around me.
And the one to my therapist (because I knew my mom was coming tonight) said –
Things have been very bad here lately. Including this morning. I don’t know how tonight is going to go anymore, but I have to tell you. The way that these people shitting on me EVERY day and saying horrible things to me is impacting my mental health is significant. I am at my limit. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m really maxed out on my ability to be treated horribly. And I need that to be made very clear.
When I tell you that I have really and truly reached my capacity for people to tell me how horrible I am over and over again, and really for them to just straight up be wrong about the things they claim are “facts”? I mean it.
So, on to therapy.
I was already pretty defensive and had my guard up pretty high before we even got there. After the day I had, I didn’t have high hopes for how it would go.
But I was correct in the fact that, even though she still had some bold opinions (and a lot of the things she said weren’t quite true either…) my mom was still kinder to me than my dad was.
She did not call me any names (lazy, selfish, etc), she in fact said I was a good mom (as opposed to my dad, who, when asked, responded with “……(long pause) she could be better”. And that was him trying to put it nicely.
I made absolutely sure to clarify another of my dad’s points he made against me, that I “watch tv all day and do nothing”. My mom cleared that up real quick with no hesitation. So, let the record show that I do NOT in fact, do nothing and watch tv all day. I swear, I have no idea where he comes up with this shit.
Overall, it went better with my mom than it did with my dad, although she still was off on some points, she wasn’t as drastically awful and point blank wrong as my dad was.
My therapist kind of correctly pointed out the fact that out of all of us, there is some potential for our relationship to be more positive. I don’t disagree, and I think that if we do actively put work into it, it is something that can be improved.
I thought it was interesting that when we were talking about my dad, because I REALLY am that upset about the things he’s saying to me, my mom just chalked it up to the fact that “that’s who he is, and he’s never going to change”. She’s been saying that my entire life. And that I shouldn’t take it personally.
Except I do. I take it extremely personally. Because I’m being attacked as a person. And a mom. And it hurts.
I do feel like my therapist made it a point to emphasize how much I’m being affected by how my parents have been treating me, and the words that they’re saying (IN FRONT OF MY KIDS).
Overall, I think it was a productive session. I feel like we heard each other and, even though, again, I do disagree with some of the things she said…it was nowhere near as bad as my dad.
The night didn’t exactly go better when I got home from therapy, and I ended up getting pretty upset again by just the overall events of the day. I drank a lot, and quickly, and ended up crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor because I guess I just feel deserving of a cold tile floor instead of a bed. I don’t know. It’s just my go to “should I kill myself tonight?” spot.
It’s been just a rough few weeks for me. I do think my mom heard what needed to be heard though. Maybe something positive will come from this.
My dad may never change, and I’ll always be hurt by it.
But just maybe, maybe…it would be helpful to have a better relationship with my mom.