Sometimes, you find yourself in a situation where there are truly just no right answers.
Sure, there may be a slightly less wrong one? But really, given the choices, you wish you just didn’t have to choose at all. Because no matter what you do, you’ll feel like it was the wrong choice.
(At the end of this post, I’m asking for your help. I desperately want an abundance of opinions and suggestions on this one.)
That’s where I am right now.
Facing an absolutely impossible situation, with literally no right answer.
In my situation, there is a…least wrong…solution. I think. (We’ll see.)
I still have not gotten a response from my birth sons adoptive parents. For the first time, ever, in our 9 and a half year relationship, they didn’t respond to my predictable and anticipated “what can I get him and his older brother for Christmas this year” text.
I explained the situation in more detail in a post last week, if you want more backstory.
But basically, my relationship with them has always been stable, predictable, and drama free. I’ve been paranoid about placing and maintaining boundaries on their behalf, so when the time came, they had absolutely no reason not to trust me.
I text, they answer. It’s never been an issue.
Last year at Christmas time, THEY offered up the information that my birth son wanted to meet me, and that “soon”, they’d work on introducing me to him. They reiterated it again in April, on his birthday. For the entire year, up until the last few months, THEY’VE been initiating more contact.
They reached out more. Sent more pictures. Checked in more often.
I did not ask for this shift to happen, but of course I accepted it gleefully.
Then, around September…things shifted again. Noticeably. They started taking longer to respond to texts, they stopped reaching out…it just felt…different.
2 weeks ago, I texted them, much like I always do.
And they still haven’t responded. For the first time ever, silence.
In therapy last Monday, we kind of agreed that the least wrong answer in this case is probably to send a follow up text. As opposed to…never reaching out again, and waiting until they initiate a conversation. But that hurts…everyone. My kids, me, my birth son…and I don’t want to hurt them.
But the text.
It has to be perfect.
It has to be slightly self depreciating and accepting of blame while also apologizing for it, it HAS to give them an out (ie, I know how busy you all are!), it has to convey that I’m respecting them and their family, and it should also, SUBTLY say that I’m hurt, or at least am noticing, this change.
It has to be the perfectly crafted text.
I only have one draft, that I wrote out a few days after I sent the original text.
“Hey! I noticed that you’ve been more hesitant to respond lately. I’m wondering if there’s anything going on, or anything I’ve done that’s possibly upset you? If that’s the case, I truly am sorry and I absolutely did not mean to do anything that could be seen as negative at all! If you need more distance from me right now I totally understand and I’ll definitely step back. As always, whatever you need from me, I’m absolutely willing to do. Hope you’re all doing well.”
Please help me.
I want any and ALL opinions. Edit this text. What should I add? What should I take out? Should I even send anything?
I have to have this figured out by the time I go to therapy at 6pm tonight. I’m going to send it then, so I can at least spend the following 2 hours in a safe place where they either will very politely and politically correct respond, or they won’t.
This is definitely the most vulnerable, real, and emotion filled text I’ve ever had to send them. Up until now…calculated and predictable and no drama whatsoever.
So…yeah.
I know they will answer. It will be generic. I know them. And I guarantee, it will be VERY close to something along the lines of “I’m so sorry! We’ve been so busy and I totally forgot to respond. How wonderful of you to think of the boys. They are into xyz. Why don’t you send that.”
I’d put money on it.
Yes, they’ll respond this time. But it won’t address anything. And that’s fine.
I’m fine. Everything is fine.
I haven’t been in a downward spiral all week because of this or anything. Don’t worry.
I’m fine!