Lately, therapy has been basically exactly what I’ve needed it to be…even when I don’t know what it is that I really need.
My life is intense. And getting…more intense.
At one point, I just said something along the lines of “I need more help. Or support. Or a long break from all of this”. She fully agreed with all of that, and asked how. Or in what ways specifically.
And I just didn’t even know. I still don’t. I just know that I desperately need more support right now. There’s so much on my plate that it’s falling off and landing on the floor for the dog to eat. Except the dog eating it doesn’t make it go away. It’ll just shit it out later and be an even bigger mess for me to deal with.
After my brain more or less exploded from stress and my heart was beating a million miles a minute, my therapist was basically like…ok no stop.
She played my favorite band, and said we’re coloring now.
So we listened to music and sat in the floor coloring for I think most of the second hour? And it was honestly probably exactly what I needed, without even knowing that was what I needed.
I felt better after therapy…definitely more calm. I didn’t blast music on the way home louder than I should have, I felt confident that I could go home and maybe, for once, not drink way more than I should.
Things were good. Until they weren’t. Until I got a text from our kids PT at like 9:30pm that I had to deal with basically right away, relating to creating an entirely new schedule…which is significantly harder and more complicated than it seems. I promise.
That put me in a bad mood, and it just all fell apart after that.
I’ve been like…super low key really upset with my husband. I honestly don’t even know if my reason is valid or not…but I am. His actions are hurting me, even though they’re unintentional and not something he’s even aware of.
But I sure did bring it up last night, and I let him know just how I was feeling.
I let myself be angry and feel hurt. And I blamed him for a lot of it.
I continued to work on my scheduling related issues that need to be resolved rather immediately (I’m being offered the first choice, and I need to be considerate of the time constraints).
My feelings were basically oozing out of every part of me.
I drank too much. A lot too much.
Again.
I thought about leaving my husband. I thought about dying.
The fear of being unsupported and misunderstood is worse than the fear of being alone.
He has no idea how much I’m dealing with right now. Dealing with the kids medical needs. And their appointments. And declining health…How hard and impossible this change in the schedule is.
I am working on a post specifically talking about out what’s going on with that, but basically, instead of the kids therapy (PT, OT and speech) all being at one location, it’s now split into 2 locations. And we have SO many hours of therapy that I will have to now be in both locations every single day. And it just isn’t possible.
I don’t know. I’m just…I’m struggling. And as hard as I’m trying to downplay it and mask it and avoid it…
I have so much going on. And I need more support. I am one person trying to put out 5,000 fires all at once.
I don’t have time to fall apart during the day. That simply isn’t an option. So, I guess every night is just a new opportunity to feel all the fucking feelings I suppress all day long.
My drinking has never been good. But this year, it’s been the most controlled and stable than it has been in years.
That’s no longer the case.
Your feelings will find a way out.
Eventually…they will come out. And not in the ways you want them to.
The support that I DO have is amazing. My therapists, my kids therapists…I’d be dead long ago without them.
Do I wish I could have my own therapy more than once a week right now? Yeah. I really do.
I’m not wrong to feel how I’m feeling. And I sometimes feel like I can’t even adequately explain my situation. Maybe you all think I’m crazy.
I probably am.
But I promise, I’m doing the best I can.
My life is actually just that insane.
(Confirmed by others. Not just my opinion.) 🙃