I have a very different relationship with this Monday that I typically do with Monday’s.
Usually, Monday is one of my preferred days of the week. But today, I freaking hate it.
I guess I just don’t have therapy. Which…sucks. A lot. There was nothing scheduled, no reminder text, nothing. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go back ever again, if I’m supposed to go back tonight, if I’m supposed to kill myself and literally just give the fuck up…I don’t know.
Like I said, I really just don’t know how to begin to process this. So I haven’t. Honestly, I’m doing my best to just pretend to not care. Put it out of my head.
I have a lot to say. A lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings. And I don’t know what to do with them. Maybe I just need to write it out. As bluntly and honestly as possible. I honestly don’t know what that would end up looking like…but it would be intense.
She hurt me more than she knows. For so many different reasons. And it makes no sense. She took a lot of resources and support away from me. And there’s nothing that can replace that.
We did go visit Bobby Dog at training yesterday for the first time since we dropped him off before our vacation 2 weeks ago, and that definitely did help fill my cup. I miss him and I can’t wait for him to be done with training and come home.
I don’t know what today brings. Or tonight, when I’m supposed to be in therapy. I imagine it will suck.
I feel completely abandoned and broken. And I don’t understand why conversations couldn’t have been had instead of her just getting rid of me, throwing me away, giving up on me.
I feel like I deserved just a little bit better than that.
I wish I knew if I was supposed to go back tonight. Or ever.
This feels so fucked up. And I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as lost and unsure of my next step as I do right now.