Last night was another sleepless night. The night ended with me feeling pretty desperately worthless and just…depressed. And life, my life in particular, wasn’t, isn’t, worth living.
I’m feeling particularly bad this morning, and my feelings of worthlessness and like I’m a horrible person are pretty strong.
Nothing even happened to cause it. I mean, my husband and I didn’t get into a fight, nothing outwardly triggered it.
The only thing that was slightly out of the ordinary was that my husband was more down than usual. He always gets depressed when money is an issue…and lately, it’s an issue.
But I always take it a certain sense of personally. Like…if I were better, if I were more…even when logically, I know that it has nothing to do with me.
The night didn’t get better, and neither of us ended up getting any sleep. My husband started getting some really intense pressure in his ear, what he’s assuming is an ear infection, and the pain just got unbearable as the night went on. So literally neither one of us got any amount of sleep.
He’s at the doctor right now, and I hope they can do something to take care of the pain immediately.
(Oh, fun update, the doctor told him it’s bleeding a lot. His eardrum ruptured. That seems good…)
As for me? I don’t know what I need to do.
Probably, most immediately, I need to stop drinking. It’s gotten so fucking out of hand.
I’m just so glad it’s finally Monday…and I can end my night with therapy. It’s probably the only glimmer of hope that I have.