Just like that, all the “anger” fell way to massive self loathing and a pretty horrific depression. The dam broke, and all of the tape and glue holding me together for the past week just… came undone.
And I realized that everything I’ve always thought about myself is exactly as true as I thought it was. Although these thoughts have mostly vanished over the past few years, here we are.
I am toxic. I am cancer. People always give up on me because I’m worthless. There’s nothing good about me. I can’t do anything right.
No one cares about me.
I am alone.
Unfortunately, this pretty large sized breakdown did come at around 11pm last night and disallowed any sort of sleep from happening until after 2am.
So, one massive breakdown and 4 hours of sleep later, I’m feeling like absolute complete shit.
I am exactly as worthless as I thought I was. And I don’t know why I ever tried to convince myself otherwise.
I’m hopeless. I’m awful. And I’m not a person worth knowing or associating with.
Otherwise, my therapist of an actual literal decade wouldn’t have just up and gotten rid of me without even the slightest bit of remorse or conversation.
Am I angry? Maybe. Maybe I am on some level. But we all knew that was covering up a lot of hurt as well.
And oh boy is that hurt starting to really pour through.
Fuck this.