When it rains, it pours.
That’s what they say at least.
And. Let. Me. Tell. You.
Oooooh boy, the floodgates of hell itself have opened up, and not only is it raining, but it’s pouring down the most acidic, fiery and poisonous raindrops down onto my life.
Let’s recap real quick. Just…real quick. What my 2024 has looked like so far.
Early January – Got the flu so badly it was the most sick I ever was probably in my entire life. The whole family was sick, but it hit me the hardest by FAR. For weeks. It was bad. But looking back, I’d choose that over what comes next.
Early February – the entire family travels to the NIH for a week where we underwent a ton of testing and research because of our genetic disorder
Feb 13th – we got home from the NIH on a Friday. The very next Tuesday, a deer ran through my husband’s drivers side window, breaking his facial bones, very badly injuring him, and totaling his car.
Feb 29th – my mom tests positive for Covid. Every member of the family had it too. Don’t worry, it was a cakewalk compared to the flu for me!
March 13th – my 5 year old (Phoenix) goes for his official psychological testing and walks away with a few new diagnoses…we’ll boil it down to ADHD and autism. Not at all unexpected.
March 26th – Christian, my 7 year old, gets admitted to the hospital, VERY nearly losing his life, and stays there for 7 days.
April 2nd – on the day that Christian gets discharged from the hospital, Atlas, my 17 month old, gets admitted for the same reason. He got a nice fun ambulance ride to the children’s hospital 2 hours away, where he too would stay for nearly a week.
April 4th – my birth son turns 10. While my baby is in the hospital, and everything else around me sucks.
Things were FINALLY, finally starting to feel normal again.
Christian was back in school after missing over 2 weeks, my husband was back at work, I was back in my normal routine…..it was starting to level out.
Then, it just got worse. Short of a member of my family dying, this is the worst thing that could’ve happened to me.
My car.
I lost my car.
My husband was going to pick Christian up from school on Wednesday. It was raining. I was supposed to take him to a doctor appointment 2 hours away…but I cancelled. Because I didn’t want to drive there in the rain. My husband came home early so I could go to the appointment, but I had decided not to go.
With the other 2 kids in the car, he went to go pick up my son from school, so I could have a few minutes of quiet.
6 minutes later, I get this.
An automatic SOS text detecting that my husband was in an accident.
I didn’t even get the text first, I got the call from my husband.
He said… “you need to get in your dad’s truck and go pick up Christian from school”.
I’ll spare you the details of what came next. But believe me when I tell you…I was not okay. It was the furthest from okay I’ve been in a long time. Possibly ever.
I lost my mind. I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing I could do.
I took a shot. Maybe 2. You don’t understand, I HAD to depress my system….I was not okay. I sent my therapist a message. She’s been a fucking saint with me through all of this, and it’s been the support I’ve unfortunately desperately needed.
My dad drove us to where the accident was, on the way to his school, and we just…
It was worse than I was expecting.
Here’s where I shout out Nuna RAVA car seat and the safety features of my 2023 KIA Carnival. Phoenix was sitting right behind that door. And he walked away without a scratch. Nothing. Not a single thing.
All the airbags deployed, my husband got banged up, the car is once again most likely totaled. My car. Mine. The only thing I had that was mine. Not only that…but we’ve been down to just one car since the deer totaled our other one!!!!
All 3 of my kids almost died this month. In a very serious and scary way. Each of them individually.
My car is gone. We now have zero vehicles. I don’t know how this resolves, we’re still waiting to hear back from insurance and everyone else.
I have been through some serious fucking trauma over the past few months. And I just shut down.
I have, very few times in my life, felt as awful as I have this week. Just truly wanting to die. Give up. Feeling like there’s no point. I have nothing left. Literally.
I don’t feel better yet. Not in any significant way.
I feel like I’m grieving for a lot right now. I feel like…we’re working so hard to improve our lives. And every time we get to take even just half a step forward….we’re thrown about 20 steps back.
I couldn’t even tell anyone. Besides my therapist, I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Not my best friend, not my family…no one. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t do anything.
I’m just so angry. At everything. And hurt.
I feel broken. I don’t know how to move forward. Even just logistically speaking…we need a freaking car. My husband has not been working because of all of this and burned through his PTO a while ago.
We were doing everything we could to scrap together enough to get him a car, so we could be back at 2 vehicles which we desperately need…and now we just have nothing.
I’m gutted. Truly, honestly just…gutted.
It could have been worse, yes. I’m extremely grateful that everyone is okay. And that Phoenix (and Atlas) were 100% unharmed.
Funnily enough, even though I wasn’t even in the car, I ended up getting the most hurt.
I’m heartbroken, feeling completely lost and unsure where to go next, don’t know how to move forward and just….broken.
Right now, I’m taking this whole life thing as an hour by hour situation. It’s hard right now. And I feel trapped. I feel trapped by the bad.
To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be okay. I don’t know if I make it through all of this. Shit, if I kill myself, at least my husband can collect life insurance on me and get a car.
But I know I needed to write about it. Tell my story as I’ve been telling my story for the past handful of years.
As they say……life goes on.