Wow. Well, I can say with complete certainty that therapy last night was absolute shit. Just…one of those bad night kind of nights.
To be honest, it was halfway doomed for failure before we really even got started. Before anything was said, she let me know that we wouldn’t be having a session next week because of school starting and shit and whatever. Which…it threw me off. Quite a bit.
Normally, if there’s going to be an off week (with the exception of sickness or emergencies which is TOTALLY understandable and not what I’m talking about here), I have at least a few weeks heads up. And that’s not to say it won’t get to me the same way, because it very likely will. But, at least it isn’t brand new information right at the beginning of what I’m hoping will be a successful and good night.
But here’s the thing. And this is something I haven’t mentioned on here yet, I don’t even think once.
She’s moving.
Her office is moving.
And she’ll be moving in with *other people*. So, the office I’ve been going to since she moved in there around 5 years ago will just be…gone. In just 3 weeks.
I’ve known about this for a while, and I hate change and the fact that she’s moving, and it’ll be a shared waiting room again with the other person sharing the office. And now, with next week not having a session, there will be just 2 weeks left in the only place in the world I’ve known to feel safe.
I’m not at all blaming that on why therapy went so poorly last night, but I’m certainly acknowledging that it did not help.
We had a mostly normal first half hour, talking about the kids and their various bullshit (meaning scary and terrifying to me) illnesses, the last session and if I felt better allowing someone else to drive (I did not, but I’ll try again)…just like the normal things.
But it deteriorated rather quickly when things got brought up that I did not feel good about talking about. Like my fucked up financial situation, and therapy itself, and just a combination of things that had me all kinds of fucked up and panicking.
So I shut down rather quickly and just wanted to not be in that moment anymore having those conversations, specifically as it related to money and therapy and paying for therapy and therefore having less therapy.
My brain said no. We’re not doing that. And I just shut down. I turned off. And I couldn’t handle that even being mentioned as a possibility let alone talked about.
And she didn’t like how immediately and strongly I reacted in terms of shutting down. Which, I understand. I could’ve handled it better.
The entire rest of the session was spent talking about why I reacted like that, and it just didn’t get better.
It was basically a shit show.
And now I have 2 weeks instead of just 1 leaving things off badly.
I texted my husband when I was leaving that “It was shit and I’m driving home now.”
We didn’t talk about it when I got home, but he understood the assignment and was there greeting me with love and telling me that “if I wanted to talk about it that I always can, and that we can talk about anything”.
I don’t push him away. I let him love me. And I went on and tried to just not fucking think about it.
We watched tv, I crocheted 2 different blankets back and forth (because why work on 1 project when you can work on 2!!!), I drank, and then we went to sleep.
Now it’s today, and today is a new day, and I don’t really give a shit about anything that happened yesterday.
We’re living in today. Not yesterday or tomorrow.
And today is just fine.