For a second night in a row, it approaches midnight when I get the strongest urge to explore my thoughts and write them down.
This topic deserves so much more than a late night post. And it will get the attention that it surely does deserve.
But for tonight, for now, I’m living in the moment and letting my words exist as honestly as they feel.
Tonight I had therapy session number 2 with Becky, one of the 2 therapists I’ve been trying out over the past month to see if I can…I don’t know. Move on? Heal? Exist in a world without my therapist of the past literally 10 years?
And it went well. I like her, I do. And, again…this is a post that deserves its own post in its entirety.
I’ve spent most of the night convincing myself that tonight went well.
And it did!
For the position that I’m in, for as absolutely fucked up as it is…it went well.
For what it was.
But the later into the night it got, the more I was able to reflect, the more the grief came in and took its rightful place upon its thrown that is my damn mind.
I didn’t want to spend 2 hours tonight taking a history and a timeline of my entire life. Not that that wasn’t important or beneficial…because it was!!!!!! It absolutely was.
But the grief comes from being in this position in the first place.
Tonight, I had to talk about the past. Which is insanely important when beginning a new therapeutic relationship. Establishing that starting point is essential.
My grief comes with having to start over.
I didn’t want this shit. I didn’t want any of it. And it hasn’t stopped sucking as much as it did when it first happened.
I fucking miss my person. I miss my safety and the place that felt secure and trusting in the fucking first place.
Why did I have to start all over?!?!?!?!!?
I didn’t want to talk about the past tonight. I needed to talk about the current. About the now.
About the xyz that fucking stings the most in this moment.
Not bring all the worst triggers and traumas all back up again without a safe place to store it later on.
For all intents and purposes, tonight went really well. And I do think I like this person to be a good match for a therapist for me moving forward.
Maybe. I think. I don’t fucking know.
But I can’t stop these insane and intense feelings of insecurity.
Because what I need right now is my therapist.
The one who had made me feel safe and consistent and okay for the last 10 years. I need her.
And without that, I just feel so fucking insecure. I lost the single most stable and secure relationship I’ve ever known.
It fucking sucks.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I’m honestly terrified that I’ll never be able to trust another person ever again.
And I’d be right not to. I certainly wouldn’t blame myself.
Even if it isn’t what I want for myself. Not in the slightest.