Everything hurts, and I need it to stop. I need the world to stop spinning so fast, and I need everything to slow down.
I can’t keep up with the speed and intensity of the massive demands that come from taking care of everyone else. The world is crushing me, and I feel like I’m drowning.
There is so much demanded of me every single day, and I just can’t keep up anymore. I need a minute to catch my breath and learn to stand on my own feet again.
I need a lifeboat.
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to keep going at this level anymore…I don’t know how anyone could be expected to.
There’s no room for me, or time for me to take care of myself.
I’m so incredibly burnt out and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. Things are only getting harder. My kids health and therapies are becoming impossible to keep up with, and we’re continuing to add more and more. I wish they just didn’t need any of it.
My own demons are coming out of the closet, and they’re coming for me. I keep trying to run from them but it’s like I have a ball and chain attached to me, forcing me down.
I’m physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I don’t know what I need, but I desperately need something.
It’s like I just want to lay down on the floor and cover myself in blankets and just…I don’t know. Just allow myself to feel everything.
I feel like I need a solid 4 or 5 hours straight of therapy. (Hah, I think she’d actually rather die than deal with me for that long.) I don’t even want to talk, I literally just want to lay on the floor and feel everything and nothing all at once. And then maybe start talking once I feel just a little bit okay and less alone.
I feel so broken and alone and I just want to feel safe. Feeling all of this, everything that’s wrong and painful and scary…it doesn’t feel safe. Because I know I’ll drown it out with alcohol and bad choices.
I need to feel better. This level of pain and exhaustion isn’t survivable. I need something for me, I need something safe.
Everything has become so internalized, and I don’t think that’s where it all should exist.
Maybe I just need a day….some time and space for myself to even just begin to heal. I hate this.
The nightmares are back with a vengeance now, too. There’s truly nowhere that I feel safe…not even when I’m asleep. I think the therapy room is the closest that it comes to feeling “safe”. But I still suck, and can’t bring myself to talk.
And if everything else I’m currently dealing with isn’t enough…tomorrow night I am once again forced to be in “his”presence. And I just can’t handle him fucking touching me and hearing him say the shit he says to me. I’m an object to him now, and I’m trapped.
I just want to lay on the floor with 10 blankets to hide under.
I don’t fully trust myself right now, and I need this pain and exhaustion to go somewhere else.
I’m doing my best…but it just feels like the world is about to swallow me up.