Things feel like they’re as bad as they possible can be right now. Now, I know, if your my therapist, you don’t necessarily give a shit about how it feels. And I supposedly should be doing better anyway.
Therapy last night was bad. It just was. And after 2 bad weeks in a row, that leaves me feeling…so many things.
I could let my feelings dictate how I’m feeling and be angry and hurt and straight up pissed off. I mean, why does she have to be harsh and whatever else when literally my entire world is already completely falling apart and unstable and I literally have no one else currently supporting me?
Like, she chooses then to make it so our relationship goes to shit? Could she not have been a little bit easier on me these past few weeks with everything that I have going on?
I could say more. Easily. Like I said, I have a lot of feelings about it.
But if I’m trying to understand it from her perspective…therapy is about change and I guess it’s frustrating or annoying or just straight up bad if when things are hard and going wrong, I fall back into the same patterns I always do. She’s not interesting in hearing about how life is hard right now because my life is always hard.
Okay yeah, but at least I’m not usually literally alone for weeks at a time.
If I force myself to, I can always see it from her perspective. I can call myself a piece a shit, I can absolutely pile on the self hatred, and I can always see her point of view.
I get it. I’M SHIT. I’M A FAILURE. I HEAR YOU.
Say it with me guys, you know what I’m about to say next. (Seriously, it should be it’s own category or tag line at this point.)
When the relationships in my life are stable and good and I feel confident in them, everything else in my life is so much more manageable. Everything is just a little bit more okay.
But when they’re not? When the relationships in my life that I desperately need to be solid…aren’t?
I completely fall apart. Everything feels impossible, I completely run away and withdraw, saying fuck you, I don’t NEED you or anyone else. Things get worse and worse and it’s just this messy, fucked up cycle.
And it all has to do with attachment, and how I apparently am incapable of forming secure attachments.
It doesn’t always last long, sometimes it lasts longer than others, but the fear that well, this is it now. This is the new normal. It’s enough to make me feel completely unsettled.
Last night, I did what I was “supposed” to. I drank less. I went to sleep early, I “did something different”.
And you know what happened? I slept like shit, I had nightmares all night long, and it was overall an atrocious night.
This morning was even worse. For reasons that I don’t want to get into (I try not to talk badly about my parents. But our relationship is extremely tumultuous. And sometimes, straight up fucking bad.)
The theme for this week, (if I’m supposed to fucking give a shit about therapy anymore) is to do something different so that I have a “better” week. Find things that are different that I can do.
But I have to tell you.
The amount fuck everything, fuck everyone, and fuck the world that I’m feeling is…shocking.
My threshold for handling anymore bullshit is at a zero. It really is.
I could use some love. Or patience. Or understanding.
I could use literally anything positive from anyone.
Because I can’t even tell you how close I am to ending it.
Right now, I feel like I have nothing and no one. My husband has been away taking care of his dad for nearly 2 weeks.
My therapist I guess has decided now would be a good time for our relationship to fall apart as well.
And I just…I’m sorry. I cannot.
I can not do this anymore.
I’m not built to be alone.
Even though I’ll continue to push everyone away, to prove to you just how much I truly do not need you.
So please excuse me while I sit here crying this morning because my 6 year old is being aggressive, my 4 year old is picking up and copying his behavioral patterns, and my dad thinks it’s cute to blame me (in front of the kids) for their behavior.
I am a rock. Nothing anyone does or says can affect me. No one will get a reaction out of me today. Not my kids. Not my dad. I am dead on the inside. And no one will get a reaction. That’s my gift to myself today. They can do whatever they want to me. And I’m choosing not to get upset or react.
She says, as they are currently throwing blocks at me and telling me they don’t love me and “aren’t on my team” because I said they can’t watch tv. (Isn’t special needs parenting fun?)
It’s fine. Everything is fine.