Well, here we are. The blog post that I did not necessarily want to write, but will do my best at anyway.
Last night was my first brand new therapy session in years.
Make no mistake about it, my therapist did not change, I still spoke with the same person I’ve been speaking with for the past 9ish years….but it’s never felt so foreign in my entire life.
Throughout our entire therapeutic relationship, there have been 2 office changes.
The first one came 6ish years ago, right after my now 5 and a half year old son was born.
It felt…good. It felt like it was a good change. A needed and necessary change.
And I felt thought about.
Even though our relationship was newer all those years ago, it still felt…like it was developing into something resembling safety. And while it took even more years to actually get to that point, the point of “safety”, it still felt like we were really solidly and strongly building the stepping stones to get there.
Even with the move, which at that point in time I seriously didn’t care about in general, but happened to appreciate and love the new environment, I still felt…..thought of. Or cared about, if nothing but on the teeny tiniest scale ever, I felt cared about and thought of.
And it was never anything big or huge. It was always just this insanely subtle thing that I never gave too much thought about afterwards. But looking back, I can see how it played possibly the biggest role in me allowing myself to develop a sense of trust in her. It was a big deal. As small and microscopic as it was, it was a big enough deal for me to allow myself the smallest foundation to trust.
And I did.
For the next 5-6 years.
Last night…this new move…it felt quite different.
I didn’t feel any part of the equation. Which I do not in any sense expect to be.
I know I’m nothing. I know I’m small and insignificant and not something that is worth a second thought or consideration, and certainly not more so than anyone else.
But, I am a person who I thought would possibly invoke maybe just the slightest bit of thought. Just like, literally maybe .01 of a percentage.
Yet, I felt the opposite. I felt the blatant screams of “CHANGE IS GOOD AND NECESSARY SO GET OVER IT” over and over again.
And, sure. Yes. change is good.
But not change for the sake of specifically fucking with people.
I’m not saying that’s what happened, I know no one was literally specifically doing things to fuck with us (me, the collective us that is the percentage of her clientele that cares about this shit the same way that I do). But it did just feel a bit…I don’t know.
I didn’t leave there feeling good about things. And I really did try to. But it just doesn’t feel like this thing that will end up being a positive change for me.
For her? Yes, she’s making changes that align with her goals…which is what you’d expect a person to do.
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a sense of left behind.
It doesn’t help that we haven’t had an actually solid or decent session in about a month now. So, yeah. Nothing about therapy is feeling very good or safe right now.
She keeps questioning why it is that I keep going back. And honestly, that question pisses me off so much.
Because it’s the only thing that has ever helped to any degree?
Because it’s the only place (or used to be) that I feel safe?
Because you don’t just give up on shit because of a rough patch?
I mean, if our who thing for a long ass time has been to develop a secure relationship, is encouraging me to leave or questioning why I’m not leaving the way to achieve that?
Am I just doing it wrong? Does she just want me to give up? Is that what I’m supposed to be learning?
I swear, I keep trying to get this shit right and get back on track so that I can progress and heal and grow…but I really just don’t know what to do anymore.
This just really sucks. A lot.
I just want things to go back to being better.