Depression sucks.
That’s the phrase circling my brain pretty aggressively right now.
This depression is loud as fuck, and it feels pretty heavy and here to stay.
The past 3 days have been filled with a lot of hurt. A lot of pushing people away. A lot of anger and fear and…depression.
A lot of depression.
If my therapist of 10 years could do that to me, could hurt me THAT badly and that callously….that means I was right.
I was right about the world.
People aren’t safe.
People ALWAYS leave. And they won’t care about it when they do.
If she could do that to me, so can my husband. So can my best friend. And so can everyone else.
So why wouldn’t I push them all away first?
Depression is a liar. This, I know is true.
However, my experience with people is that…they have the power to hurt me. And often times, they do.
I did not deserve this. I did not do anything wrong. The more I open up to friends (many of which who ARE therapists), the more confident I feel in that….this was so, SO insanely fucked up and wrong on her end.
I know this. Logically, I hear it.
Yet still, depression.
My husband will leave me too. And so with my friends.
Because she did. After 10 years. Completely out of nowhere, and blindsiding the shit out of me.
I don’t want to push the people I desperately need the most away right now.
But I need them. And therefore, they can hurt me.
And I just can’t let anyone else hurt me.
Not ever, ever again.