Sometimes, nights have no business being as good as they are. Like tonight, for instance.
Last night, my husband got the news that his dad, who has been on hospice battling many forms of cancer, had less than 2 months to live. His throat cancer had returned (on top of the liver and colon cancer), and we’re nearing the end.
My husband and I, who are generally really solid…hit a REALLY rough patch recently. I didn’t feel secure, I didn’t feel safe (emotionally), his mental health was absolutely the cause and the problem…and it was rough. We worked through it. We made changes.
Er, umm, I mean, I forced him to make changes. And he did.
Therapy for the first time, medication for the second time….and holy shit, he’s back to the person I recognize again.
The absolute rock, loving, and emotionally present person that I said “yes” to almost 8 years ago. He’s back. And we’re back.
I’m my absolute BEST when we’re out best. And we can’t be our best he if he’s not his best. But, things are better. They’re good.
2 nights ago, I got bad news. And I did NOT want to talk about it. I still don’t. Even though I actually do. But he insisted. He made me feel so safe. He actually ENCOURAGED me to talk about the thing that had suddenly, unexpectedly broken my heart. And, I did. Because me made me feel safe enough to.
Last night, my husband got bad news about his dad. He didn’t shut down. He leaned in. And he allowed me to comfort him. More so, he asked me to. He chose us.
Tonight was also rough. He had some hard conversations. Navigated through some really hard emotions. And uncomfortable situations.
And do you know what?
Do you know how our night was?
Amazing.
We played a game, Overcooked, on ps5, got insanely frustrated at making burgers and pizzas, laughed, then acted even more ridiculously by putting my hair in front of my face and asking him if he’d love me no matter what…because love is blind, right? (The show on Netflix we’re currently watching ((again.)) He said he would, and I then shoved my face full of hair into his face, and laughed even more.
Yeah, stupid shit for people about to be 30. But is there anything stupid about hearing your husband actually laughing and enjoying a moment in life…when things are actually hard as fuck in reality?
After I stopped shoving my face full of hair into his mouth (because he’d love me no matter how I looked), I told him I was sad we didn’t have more pictures of just us. Aside from when we’re on vacation. Or with kids.
I wanted more from the quiet moments. The real life, *these* kind of moments.
I told him, if he dies, these are the memories I want. He told me he didn’t want me to think of him all the time if he died. I said fuck that, you’re dead, you don’t get a say and I’ll think of you all the damn time.
So he told me to take a picture. At 11:40pm.
I said, fine. I’ll do it! But warned him the flash might be on.
So…we prepared for a dark room, bright as shit flash to occur by shutting out eyes and hoping for the best, but not really caring one way or another other. And I’m not upset.
Life is hard.
These are the memories I want. This night. This really hard night after a really hard week after an even harder past month.
It’s this. This is the other side.
And the other side makes all of it so absolutely fucking worth it.
It’s well after midnight, and I haven’t slept in days. But I don’t care. Being a little tired is worth making these memories.
And caring enough to take the time to write about them in the moment, when it feels the most honest and real.
Tonight, I believe that he loves me. I looked at him and I said “you know I always love you this much, right?” He said no, he didn’t know. But it’s true. I do.
I don’t think many people can love through the hard. Or the hurt. Maybe they shouldn’t.
But these nights…they’re worth it. Because I believe him.
Tonight, I FEEL loved.
And there’s literally nothing better than that.
I wish I believed it all the time. But I’ll take my wins. Whenever they show up.
🥰🥰🥰🥰
So, so happy to read this.